Date: Dec. 17, 2001 Time: 12:54 AM My current mood is: nonsensical musings Learned piece of information: Throwing up is like being an alcoholic. An alcoholic can never handle becoming just a "social drinker", just like when you stop puking 3-7 times a day, you cannot then decide you will do it "just this once" and be ok. Fuck. Today was a very stressful day. I don't know why, I think it was just everything combined. I'd been feeling crappy and guilty all day due to last night's binge and purge session(s), my stomach greatly distended. Then I heard through the grape vine at work that the manager was mad that I was talking to a "friend" for 2 hours instead of doing my work. I'm not sure who he's refering to, either that dude Travis or my friend Will who came in the other day. Either way it was NOT 2 hours! But I got so stressed out, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack like I used to in the old days. I kept having to calm myself down, telling myself it's NOT the end of the world, one negative comment about me does not mean I am a failure and that he hates me. I really am begining to realize how much I see things in black and white, and how I do have some perfectionistic tendencies in me. Especially with work... it's like I always strive to be the reliable one, the one who does work, who knows what I'm doing, isn't one of the screw offs. Not like I'm a kiss ass, I just feel like I always have to prove that I am compitent, that I am worthy. And when a manager says something that I am doing is negative, it makes me freak out! I think I will confront my manager about it, cause I don't really like him saying stuff about me to other employies, so I figure by talking to him about it, it will let him know that he should just say it to me. It really made me feel like cutting so much. I'm supposed to be writing my paper right now.....but I'm not! It's due tomorrow, 10-15 pages...I have ONE page so far! AAAAHHHHHHH!!! There is this guy at my work that annoys me. He's one of those people that thinks because he has a bit of intelligence, or actually maybe it's that he THINKS he has a bit of intelligence, that he needs to show it off to everyone to let them know. He also has to contradict what everyone says constantly, with no facts to even back it up with. If you say something, he's be like "No, that's not right, it's this", even though he has no basis for what he's saying. Like he was saying how aquarium salt is bad for fish, that REALLY pissed me off! I mean I know this sounds lame to anyone who isn't obsessed with fish/doesn't work at a pet store. But salt helps the fish, everyone who knows about fish knows this. So he's just showing his stupidity blatently. Also, the other day I asked him if he had graduated school/college already. So he said no, but then went on to talk about how when he was in high school he was taking college level courses, so that when he went to college he was already a sophmore. Oh get over yourself!! I didn't even ask about that, and really I don't give a shit. I hate when people brag about stuff(which he's probably making up anyway) and it's like no, actually I DON'T care. I think it's a hell of a lot cooler for someone who is intelligent to NOT show it off and make it like they are so cool, unfortunatly this is a rare quality not many possess. I'm so fucking tired right now. I feel like I can't even imagine Bud existing anymore. I was just talking to him online earlier, and I began thinking nonsensical thoughts such as what if he doesn't exist anymore? What if it is I that does not exist? What if the only way he exists is through typing online, but he does not exist in the physical sense? Another thing, I can't even imagine being sexual, it's literally been at least a month since I've gotten with him! I feel like being physical with someone is an alien concept, like I might forget how to make out or something. I dunno, just being weird right now. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: