Date: Dec. 12, 2001 Time: 12:49 AM My current mood is: depressed, as usual I have such a heavy feeling inside myself. I just got off the phone with Bud, conversation the same as it has been lately. He talks about how busy he is, all the camera shoots he is doing, and I say yes I am busy too, then we get off the phone because he has more work to do. Each time I hope he will ask me what is wrong, why the sad undertones, but he never does. Inside I die each time we have these conversations. I feel like a desert inside, hopeing he will shower me with his affections, yet I remain alone. I know this isn't necessarily his fault, it is finals and everyone has tons of work right now, including me. I just can't help but feel rejected and alone. Call it selfish, I just wish someone would ask "are you ok?", especially Bud. Because I'm not ok. I've been really depressed for weeks. And the only one who's really asked is John, who I talked to last night. But a lot of good that does me, the only one who cares enough is too far away for me to see. I was so touched, he said he bought me a Chanukah card, and apologized for it being sappy :) Bud hasn't even mentioned Chanukah at all. Not like I'm an extremly religous person, it's just nice to here your boyfriend wish you a happy holidays, you know? I still haven't been able to tell him that I'm not over the fight we had, each time we talk it's pretty impersonal, and I always feel so rushed, like he's getting in his "mandatory" hello's, we don't talk for more then 10 minutes. It felt to good to talk to John last night, we talked for hours, we always do. I love how he will talk and talk and ask me questions about how life is how am I doing, in so many different aspects. It makes me miss him. It was weird, cause we were asking each other for dating advice! I told him about the fight with Bud, and he told me about that girl he likes. He finally made out with her, which he was pretty happy about. When he asked my opinion, I had to tell him the truth though, that in my opinion he should let this one go, I mean she is kind of dicking him around. And I'm not even saying it as a jealous exgirlfriend, from what he tells me she keeps going back and forth on whether she likes him or not, and I think he's just going to get hurt by her. But hey, I know he's not going to listen to me, he'll just have to find out for himself. Oh, and I asked him what he thought my flaws were, in terms of going out with me, cause I told him how Bud said I am too dependant, I figured I should know of any other flaws I have. He said he couldn't think of anything, and that he gives me "two thumbs up", and "four stars" and that he would write recommendations for me, lol, what a weirdo! Like I'm a movie or something, hehe. It made me think though, like how I could take that as a medaphore(however it's spelled), like how you go to a movie, it's a good movie, then you go home, and then some other time you go to another movie. That's how he was....he went out with me, it was cool, and then it was over, now he's watching another movie.....ok maybe I'm just being retarded, it's hard for me to word exactly what I mean with that. But anyway, not even going to get into that whole I wish John was here thing. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: