Date: Dec. 09, 2001
Time: 10:10 PM
My current mood is:
frustrated, once again
I know I already made an entry today, but too bad, I feel like making another. I've just been having a lot of things bothering me lately, different things swimming around in my head and I don't really have anyone to talk to about them. One thing, is that I feel so....what's the word...maybe mediocere? I don't think I spelled that right. I just feel like a fucking loser. I'm never doing enough, not busy enough, am sitting around too much, I should be busy at ALL TIMES! It bothers me because I can't be busy at all times, at times I simply need to rest. I sound like an old fart saying that, but given my eating habits I don't have as much energy as I should. I need time during the day to not do anything, time to lie down and rest. Purging takes a lot of energy out of me, as does not eating. It makes me feel like such a spoiled baby to be lying down all the time. It's hard though, when every time I get up I feel like I'm going to pass out, I mean does this give me the "right" to lie down? Is it ok for me to rest when I feel dizzy? I feel like I'm just being lazy. What makes me feel extra awful about this, is when Bud makes comments about how busy he is all the time, making it like I do nothing all day. Well ya, I probably don't do as much as him, but I can't help it. I try, I really do. I'm a failure. Like when we got into that fight(yes I'm going back to that again), when he said to me "go back to watching your soaps, I've been busy all week blah blah blah", that really hurt me. Because first of all, the reason he said that was cause I mentioned I had watched a soap with my sister that day, the thing is, I only watched 10 minutes of it, is it wrong for me to sit down for 10 minutes? But most importantly, he KNOWS why I sit down a lot. I just recently had that talk with him, about how I need to rest a lot due to..you know, the way I eat. I know it sounds like it's my own fault, I mean I do this to myself. I'm not trying to complain about it, I just let him know why. And maybe he didn't realize when he said it, but that really was a slap in the face. He made it like I do nothing at all, and he does all this work. I go to school full time and work about 23 hours a week, plus have a radio show, plus deal with my health issues, I just don't see how he can make it like I do nothing. Either way, I feel even more guilty about it, this winter break I will be working 2 jobs, hopefully this will make me feel ok, like I'm doing something, make me feel validated. On a side note, it's Chanukah tonight. My dad got me a Filenes gift card like he does every year, I'm going to end up having a million of them cause I don't shop at Filenes. My sister got me a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret, which is cool cause I need to buy a bra. And Bud....well, he hasn't even called me I don't even know if he remembered it's Chanukah, or if he's even getting me anything. I don't really care, I'm not a materialistic person, but it would be nice if he called me and wished me a happy holiday. Maybe get me a card. Should I get him a Christmas present? I was going to but now I feel kind of weird cause if he doesn't get me anything then I sort of can't get him something. It kind of hurts to think that if he ends up not getting me anything or getting me a card, then I will feel kind of embarrised when people ask me what he got me. You know? Cause I know my friends will ask what did he get me, and maybe I'm just being pessimistic but I'm just goin to assume nothing. Then everyone's going to tell me to break up with him, ok ENOUGH, I'm getting to far ahead for myself! Then again, he said yesterday that he would call his cousin so I could interview him, and he hasn't even called me today....and it's 10:30pm now.... damnit, he makes me so sad. He promised me. I need this interview by tomorrow. Let down after let down. He makes me so angry.
Leave a message
Last Entry ~ Next Entry
|