Date: Dec. 09, 2001
Time: 3:16 PM
My current mood is:
issues swirling around
So I had it out with Bud last night. I called him, and we both bitched and bitched and talked for hours. I cried my eyes out to him, I hate crying. We made up eventually, but I still feel weird and uncomfortable about it. I just can't get passed it, even though we ended the conversation on a good note, and worked things out. Maybe we didn't work things out though? I feel like I'm freaking out inside over this, because I don't know what to think. What I wanted to happen was that I call him up, bitch him out, and he apologizes profusely. But that didn't happen, and now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I had enough control over the fight, or if he is the one that had the control, I can't even put into words exactly what I mean. I don't feel like I have him whipped on me, like I have power over him. I can't deal with this, I mean did I cave in? That's what I'm afraid of. That maybe I caved in when I shouldn't have. He fought back, and I don't know how to deal with that. All I can think about it Charlie, and how he used to yell at me and make me cry all the time. I don't want that again, please don't make Bud be like that. Other guys I have gone out with, when we would fight I would yell at them and they would apologize.....I just have no idea how to have a fight where both people are equal in it. I just don't know what to do. Should I have yelled at him more? Was he manipulating me? I can't even tell anymore, I don't even know, that's what scares me. That I can't even tell these things, I have no idea if what is going on is right or not right. I feel like this fight, which now seems like the dumbest fight ever, has surfaced all these issues in me. Issues of control, power over someone, feeling powerless, and also the feeling that everyone will eventually leave me. The whole time I've been feeling like Bud's going to leave me, break up with me. Maybe part of the reason I was so mad at him was because I felt like if I bitched at him enough he would leave, so I wanted to just get it overwith? I kind of feel like that, that eventually he will leave me. In a way, I kind of feel like I wish he would get it over with, I mean knowing someone will eventually leave you, but that they haven't yet, it can make ya feel pretty anxious. But anyway, why do I have such control issues in relationships? I get so worried that I'm not the one in control, I mean to know that someone isn't totally whipped on me and would do anything for me, I just don't know how to handle it. I crave for someone to be inlove with me, I wish Bud was. It bothers me that he's not, even though I'm not inlove with him. It's like it doesn't really matter if I'm in love with someone, just as long as they love me, that's what counts. Otherwise, they could just leave at any time, without any type of connection to me. I mean nothing. To know that he wasn't the one to call me, I called him...that really bothers me to no end. HE'S the one who is supposed to come crawling back, to apologize. But he didn't. And I don't know what to do now. Cause we made up, and everything is supposed to be ok, but I don't feel ok. I keep feeling like I did it wrong, like what if I wasn't "supposed to" forgive him, to make up with him? Was I too wusy? Did I give in to him? I have no idea if I gave into him or not. I have no idea if he's the one in control, the one in the drivers seat. I can't take this. I'm going to fucking explode. How can I prove to myself that I am the one in control in the relationship? I don't even know anymore how to know this. I just feel like he could take me or leave me, I mean he sure as hell didn't bother to call me for days.... In the arguement he told me I was too dependant, too needy. He also said(which I find to be very contradicting) that I push him away, I don't open up enough. How can I be needy yet push him away? Is he just talking out of his ass here? Or does he have a point? Maybe he's right, I can't STAND the thought of being dependent, maybe I should try to be more independant from him. I can't have him saying that, that I'm not independant, it really burns me inside that he thinks that. Screw that. From now on, I'll do what I want, make sure never to say "I don't know, doesn't matter to me", I will ALWAYS have an opinion, even if I really don't care and I have to make it up. I need to be more assertive! This fight is bothering me so much, even though we made up it still hasn't left my system(as you can see), it's just made me confused and angry. I don't know, I need to make him see that I am NOT weak, dependant, afraid, needy, and most of all, NOT the one in the relationship that is subservant! If he leaves me, then fine, I don't care, because he will eventually leave me anyway, so it's only a matter of time. I hate the fact that when we weren't speaking, all I wanted to do was be with him, just to not be fighting. FUCK THAT. I'm so fucking stupid and needy, I hate it. I want to be an unpenatratable wall, in control, never weak, always in charge, and not care if he is around or not, because HE wants to be with ME. I am to be wanted, I don't want. And I am miserable.
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