Date: Nov. 29, 2001 Time: 9:21 PM My current mood is: Bud's giving me an ultimatum again So today my psychiatrist told me I have a "fatalistic perspective" or "fatalistic viewpoint", something like that, and then wrote it down in my file. Hehe. Just cause I said I don't take calcium suppliments cause I figure I'm alreaady going to get osteoperosis, so why bother? I dunno, just being realistic. Bud and I got into a little fight today. I was talking to him on the phone, and I started talking to him about something and he interupted me and just started talking about something else. I got really quiet and he asked what was wrong. I told him that I don't always think he's listening to me, but that I didn't want to talk about it. So then he was like oh, ok, well I gotta go, bye. That pissed me off so much, cause that just totally proved my point! So then he called back 5 seconds later and we bickered for a bit, and then he said "What's with you lately?" and started saying all this stuff that had nothing to do with what we were talking about, saying everytime he talks to me on the phone now, I'm always lying down or resting, and that I am never doing my schoolwork and that I don't care about anything anymore. So I told him the reason for this, since I didn't want him to think I'm just being like extremely lazy, (which I admit I can be). I told him how the reason I'm always lying down and stuff is because I just don't have energy, and that's why I don't always get my schoolwork done, I am just physically exhausted. He was like huh? So I told him how between the purging and not eating, it just zaps my energy. Then of course we got into a whole discussion about my ED. He started getting on me about getting help for it, but I mean I am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. He wants me to call this ED clinic that I've been meaning to call for like months now. I'm just too scared to call though. He mentioned again that he didn't want to continue going out with me if I don't want to get better, that he's not going to stand around and watch me wither away. What the hell?? I am supposed to chose between going out with him and being thin? I don't want to feel forced with this. I am trying, I mean I haven't purged since Saterday. I just wish he wouldn't give me an ultimatum like that, it makes me feel like he's going to break up with me. God, that will suck, to be dumped cause of having an ED. I should have never even told him. I mean does he think by saying that it will inspire me to get better? Cause it doesn't, it just makes me feel worse. He made me promise to call that ED clinic and I said I would, I mean what's so scary about just calling some place? I just wouldn't know what to say. What happens if they ask me if I have an ED? Besides, I don't think I'm thin enough to go to a place like that anyway. I mean I feel like I should at least be skinny walking into a place like that. But anyway, back to Bud. I would try to just lie to him and say I'm getting better, except for 2 things: 1. I don't like lying to him 2. I'm trying to lose weight, so I think it will be obvious to him that I'm not getting better if I'm losing not gaining. I just want to be left alone. It's not a big deal. It's not like I'm going to die or anything. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: