Date: Nov. 19, 2001 Time: 12:32 AM My current mood is: going crazy cause I'm so fucking fat Lately all I can think about is how fat I am, and how big of a failure. I mean, not that I don't normally think these things. I think it has been 2 weeks since I have lost anymore weight, and this is making me feel like shit. I look in the mirror, and I look even fatter now then I did when I weighed 10lbs more! Also, I'm getting extremely angry at my boobs. That's right, at my boobs, because they're THERE, and they make me look fat. I wish I was a size A. I keep complaining to Bud about being fat and asking him if I'm heavy. I don't know why, I mean I don't want him to tell me I'm not fat. I'm so angry with myself, I was going on a fast but I broke it today. See, I split a "sampler" with Bud at Uno's on Friday night, which is all fried food. So since then I haven't eaten till today, Sunday. I gave in and had 2 pieces of chicken, then lost control and had 3 pieces of bupkie. I'm not sure if anyone else knows what bupkie is, or if I'm even spelling it right, but it's like this type of small round bread with sugar all over it and raisins in it. So anyway, I purged that all. Then I went over Hilary's to watch the Simpsons. She started complaining that she was hungry and wanted to go get chinese food, and me being a sucker for not wanting anyone to be hungry(except for myself), I went with her. I got this dish of veggies with shrimp in some type of sauce. I figured it was the safest thing on the menu, but still felt awful after eating it and purged after. So anyway, I really should be writing this all in my diet journal, but I'm being lazy. So anyway, I still felt guilty about eating that chinese food so I exercised afterwards too. I'm going to try to not eat anything till Thanksgiving. I just have to lose weight, it's a necessity. I mean no one's even noticed I lost 10lbs, I'm such a loser. I guess when a fat person loses some weight, it's hard to tell cause they're so fat anyway, it doesn't make a difference. I just wish time didn't take so long...if that makes sense. It seems like it takes forever to lose weight, even if I'm losing a pound a day. I wish I could lose it all right now, then I would be so much happier. The other day, Bud embarrised me. He didn't mean to though. We went to a pizza place with his friend whom I just met. They both got sodas, they did have diet coke but I didn't feel like having it seeing as I was already feeling dehydrated. So Bud's friend was like "nothing to drink?", and Bud says "She doesn't drink, she doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep..." I forget what else was at the end of that sentence, but something along the lines that I'm weird. When he said that, his friend looked at me with a concerned look, immediatly I was like "Yes I do! I just don't feel like it right now!" I hate when people call attention to the fact that I don't like to eat. Or when they call attention that I DO eat, that sucks even worse. Like today how I started complaining about how I was fat to Bud, but I made him promise that he couldn't disagree with me. Which was cool, cause he kept his promise and didn't say no you're not fat. He did say that if I wanted to lose weight I shouldn't eat at restaurants so much. EXCUSE ME???? The only reason I ever eat at restaurants is cause he always wants to go! Half the time I eat, half the time I don't, but you know what, from now on I won't eat at a restaurant ever again! Ummm...oops, I just went to one tonight. Ok, well whenever I go with him I won't eat, or I'll only eat salads. Because that's what I really want to do, I only eat real food to put on a show for him, so he doens't worry. But screw that. I just hate this. Whenever I go anywhere, I scan the crowds of people to find women I can envy, women who are thin. Half the time I envy someone for being thin, I end up realizing that I am actually thinner then they are, but I just pretend I'm not. I don't even know why I'm talking about this. I'm just driving myself crazy recently. The only way I will be happy is to be thin. That is that. And no, I don't know why. I just know it is true, and that I must be 90lbs ASAP! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: