Date: Nov. 08, 2001
Time: 12:28 PM
My current mood is:
losing weight and Bud
I've been thinking about Bud all morning. Probably cause I haven't seen him since...ummm.....the weekend? I hate when we don't get to hang out all week, it sucks. I really hope I see him tonight. It really bothers me that I think he will be mad at me, when he finds out I am losing weight. I really don't want him to be mad at me, I mean I hate when anyone is mad, but especially him. I'm hoping he won't notice, but then again I think I will be pissed off if he doesn't, I mean what kind of boyfriend doesn't notice you are losing weight? I remember when I went out with Jim, how he didn't say anything when I lost weight, it made me so mad. Then he finally mentioned it, and he said he had known the whole time I was losing weight, he just was too worried to bring it up, he didn't know what to say. Hmmmm. Jim....what a prick. I haven't heard from him in a long while. Next time I talk to him, I'm going to really let him have it, I'm just going to bitch him out totally. Ever since he started going out with that girl, he's totally ditched all his friends. Loser. Anyway, back to waht I was saying. I'm unsure if I should try to lie to Bud about it or not, like if he mentions it should I pretend like I didn't even notice I lost weight? He knows about the whole food issues stuff, so maybe I should just tell the truth. But I don't want him to leave me! He told me before that he's not going to stick around and watch me just get worse, that he will do everything he can to help me get better. But I AM doing better, I'm not puking as much. I don't see what the big deal is about losing weight anyway! I mean why is it such a bad thing? I don't get it. To me it seems like no big deal, being thin seems like the best thing that could ever happen, why is it bad?? You know I was thinking, why is it I am losing weight? When I gained weight, I was with John. Now that I'm with Bud, I'm losing....but why? Bud shows me so much affection and gives me so many compliments, he's so nice to me. John was nice to me too, but didn't show emotion nearly as much as Bud. He didn't really give me as many compliments either. Infact the whole time I went out with him I felt like I was chasing him, he was one of the only guys I've ever gone out with that wasn't whipped on me. So why now that I have a guy that isn't afraid to tell me he cares, am I starving myself more? Wouldn't it be the other way around or something? At least, to me it seems it would be the other way. So why why why now that I have a guy who cares lots, do I want to end up making him break up with me, which he will probably do? Maybe it's my way of testing him, to see how strong his feelings are to me. To prove that he will leave me, and that he is not here to stay. Ok well I need to get ready for school now.
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