Date: Oct. 24, 2001 Time: 2:23 AM My current mood is: the goings on in my mind at 3am I should be getting to bed, but I don't feel like sleeping. Searching through diaries, hopeing to find maybe someone like I, not really finding much. I've been so stressed out lately. It's my own fault of course, the stress being caused by my lack of doing work or going to classes, or getting tickets over and over from my car. Bud woke me up this morning, asking if I was ok. I said ya why? He said I was shivering/shaking. Funny, I wasn't cold or anything. That's kind of weird. Today, during the one class I went to(notice I didn't say the one class I had), I could barely pay attention at all. 90% of the time was spent on images of killing myself floating through my head. I hate that. I'd like to get back on my meds again, I'm just too scared to go to my psych and tell her. I'm falling so behind in my work. Last night I was talking to Bud, and I don't think he really understood what I was saying. I'm not really sure if I was making sense. Well, it made sense to me. I told him that he's like an angel, that he just had this aura of goodness coming from him. It's true, he has such a good soul, he's the type of person that if anyone was going to go to heavon, you know it would be him. I don't know, I mean he's not perfect, he does shoplift and what not. But that doesn't even matter. When you look inside him, he has this perfect innocence....not in a bad way, like naive or something, but just...I can't explain it. Just this innocence in him. I feel bad being with him, because I'm not as good as him. It makes me sad that I am with him when I think about how much goodness is in him. I'm not so good a person. Bud's never done drugs, never gotten drunk, never smokes(sometimes he'll smoke a clove!). I've done my share of drugs(pot, LSD, mushrooms, coke, mescaline, opium...does snorting ritalin count??), and I've gotten drunk more times then I can remember. Also I'm fairly certain he's never made himself puke. I don't know, I just feel so much more jaded then him, not even in an experienced way, but in a bad way. I feel like I'm too much of a mess. When I look at him, I can see him having a happy life in the future. I just know things will work out for him. For me...I can barely see the future, and when I do it's through murky cold waters that I'm not sure I want to exist in. I think I need to dye my hair. Changing your hair always fixes everything. Suddenly right now I feel a slight panicky feeling. I don't like feeling that way, earlier in class I felt so stressed out and frustrated, I couldn't consetrate. It's reminding me of a few years ago, that period of my life when I worked at Petco. I hope things don't get like that ever again. I remember....leaning my head against the wall, my eyes closed because the feelings of awfulness and stress and anxiety were so great that's all I could do. Praying for the feelings to stop, just to please stop so I could get through the day without punching someone or freaking out. Trying to get throught the panick/anxiety attacks without drawing any attention. Deciding to go on a "diet" for the first time. I kept hitting my hip bones against the register then, I remember it hurt. Dave making a comment that I'm anorexic, the fury I felt inside. Having no one, cause I'm in a fight with Julie, not speaking for 6 months, and Charlie's never happy with me, why can't I keep him happy?? Ok, that's enough of that. "These precious things, let them bleed, let them wash away"- Tori Amos Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: