Date: Oct. 15, 2001
Time: 1:48 AM
My current mood is:
entry 2 for the day
Ok now after writing all that, I'm all pissed off at my dad. So I shall go on further as to why he is an asshole. One thing that I was thinking of today, is why is it that I'm the bad one? I mean my sister screams at him, and is so rude to him, yet he's ok with this, and I'm the one that gets yelled at all the time, even though I never talk to him that way. I just don't get it. It's almost as if he has this "feminine ideal", and I just don't fit into it. I was always the one getting punished, getting hit, being grounded, while my sister could do anything she wanted and never got in trouble at all. Why??? Am I really that annoying?? Really that bad of a person? All I know is that I've always been able to insite a rage in my dad so huge, I always wondered what the extent of it was. As a child, I would wonder just how mad he would get at me, how hard would he hit me.....I mean, what was the limit to his anger? I would wonder if he would kill me. Not that I'm saying he was so violent he would like, beat the shit out of me. But the rage he would be in when he hit me.... I just don't get it, why did my sister never get hit? The only time was that he spanked her once. Once in her entire life. And that's cause she peed on the floor. I remember my dad's hand coming down on me, because he wanted me to go do something, he would count to four then smack me again, he would keep counting to four then wacking me, till I went and did it. The thing is, I couldn't get up to do it, cause it hurt so much with each time he would smack me. I guess I've just always been to stubbern for my own damn good. I just wanted him to get it out in the open. I couldn't him just threatening, or his anger growing, I wanted him to just come on out and give it all he had, to just do what he really wanted to do. I remember when I told my sister he used to use the belt on me, she was so surprised, she never knew that. Weird. It just sucks that I've always been the thorn in my dad's side. To this day, he blames me for everything. For example, if something is missing, he'll ask me sister and she say she doesn't know, so he will automaticly blame me, even though I don't know either. I'll ask "Why if we both say we don't know, it's automaticly my fault then?" He doesn't really have an answer, it's just that's how it is, whenever something is wrong, I am the one that gets blamed. It just sucks that me and my sister are not treated equally. I really don't know what else to say.
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