Date: Oct. 15, 2001
Time: 12:23 AM
My current mood is:
the ravages of childhood
For some reason I just started freaking out about the prospect of having my own apartment. I was thinking about how I may be moving into that apartment complex by my school. The sheer magnitude of it seems daunting... I don't know why. Actually I do. The thing that was freaking me out, was that I feel like I would have no friends. Which I don't know why where I live would affect that, but I suddenly felt panicky, knowing I would know no one, and I would have no one. I would be all alone. See I think if I move there, I probably wouldn't have a car, at least I don't want to. I'm so sick of having a car, I've gotten so many tickets I'm so paranoid now to drive. I even have to go to a drivers class that costs $90, cause I've gotten too many tickets over the past 5 years. I'm so bad!! But god, the feeling of being alone and having no friends is killing me. I always have felt like that, like I have no friends and nobody likes me. I hate that, it's been a life long feeling that just builds inside, makes me feel hollow. Personally, I blame it all on my dad. I know that's the cheap way out, but come on, he at least had some hand in it. Well I'm not going to go into why, but he basicly made me feel like crap cause I wasn't the most popular girl in school. I mean, not like I couldn't already feel shitty about it on my own. I actually liked having just a small group of really good friends, I think it always embarrised him though, he wanted me to have a whole shitload of friends that I didn't really care about. Whatever. So anyway, now I'm stuck with the constant feeling like I am alone and everyone hates me. Ufff, I sound like such a whiney baby. Then again, this is MY journal, so I can write any damn thing I want! I think it's fucking shitty to have a complex about having no friends, just cause my dad is a prick. Ok I was a shy kid, big deal. Actually it went behond shy, I'm thinking I really did have social anxiety disorder, literally. I was terrified in social situations. I would just stand there feeling horrible, not talking to anyone. Of course what the psych. suggested to my parents, was so put me in more social situations so that I would get better at being with people. Ok first off, BIG MISTAKE! I know that seems like the right thing to do, but with me it wasn't. Cause I wasn't just shy, I really couldn't deal with being in crowds. My dad constantly made me join groups, and go to camp, do as many extra-curricular activities as possible. I hated them all. NONE of them made me more outgoing, it just made me feel like even more of a freak. I don't know why that would be the advice someone would give...I mean it's not like I just didn't know anyone. I was absolutely phobic of people. So my dad made it is mission to make me "normal" and "popular". Cause, you know, you just can't have a daughter who isn't normal. When I was in elementary school, he decided another good way for me to make friends, was to literally FORCE me. He would tell me that I had to call up someone in my class, some random person and ask them to hang out. If I said no, he would say fine, then I'll do it. I was so incredibly humiliated, calling up people I didn't even know, asking if they wanted to hang out. Of course, that just made me SO much more popular then I already was. I remember once, a girl and her friends called me up and asked me to hang out, then when I got off the phone, I realized that they were just joking, making fun of me. I felt so awful inside. Cause it wasn't my fault, I didn't want to just call up random people in my classes to hang out, I was forced to. Something else that was weird about my dad, was that with the friends I did have, he didn't want me to hang out with them too much. Like Julie, we became best friends in 3rd grade, and to this day are still friends. Well, like all best friends in elementary school, we wanted to hang out everyday...cause we were best friends! My dad wouldn't allow that though. It's weird, it's like he couldn't just be happy that I at least had a friend. He wanted me to have many friends that I wasn't close with basicly. His view was that I shouldn't hang out with Julie everyday, I should be hanging out with her only once in awhile, so that I could hang out with lots of other people too. I never understood why he wouldn't just let us hang out and have fun. I mean so what? Obviously we liked hanging out, and I didn't have many other friends, so why not just leave us alone? It just really sucked that he made it such an issue. Cause to tell you the truth, I really was fine having only a few friends. I mean to me, I liked having a few really close friends. I didn't know how bad it was till he grinded it into my head. Well, as it goes, I ended up getting a lot better with the whole social anxiety thing, I'm now just normally shy, even outgoing sometimes, a LOT better then I used to. But the thing that changed that was just me getting older, I just grew out of it on my own. I didn't need help making friends, too this day I hate clubs and those types of things, I just make friends on my own time. But the feeling like I have no one still remains. I know it's not like a big deal really, I feel like I'm just complaining about nothing, but this is something that really affected me as a kid. I already had a tough time being the weird kid in school, the one with no friends, and all that bullshit just made it worse. Just imagine having a phobia, and someone constantly thrusting you into that situation which you are so afraid of. I'm not talking about gradually getting used to it. Kind of like someone who is afraid of water, taking them and dumping them in the ocean repeatedly. That's what it was like for me. Even just writing this makes me so angry, cause I remember the feelings of helplessness as I begged and begged my parents, each time they made me go to something, please don't make me go, I'll do ANYTHING if you don't make me go... But I guess social anxiety disorder is a relativly new term, so no one understood. I can't believe I've been to so many psychiatrists and none of them would help me. I didn't even get diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder till 10th grade...I've been going to psychiatrists on and off since age 5. What the fuck. This is one of the reasons I want to be a therapists, cause there are so many people in the mental health profession that are FUCKED and have NO idea what they're doing! It really pisses me off, all those years, of all those reports saying "she'll grow out of it, don't worry". Ya, I'll grow out of it, that's why every year they said that went by as I got yet another after years of going "she'll grow out of it, nothing is really wrong". I don't understand that. If nothing was wrong, then why was I constantly sent to psychs., and always had to go to the guidence councler at school?? It's just fucked up. My therapy paperwork/files are so huge that they don't fit with the normal files, my therapist has to keep it in a separate drawer. Whatever this is stupid. I've written this before, blah blah blah.I'm so pissed, I ate more then I intended to today. I had an apple, then for dinner me and my family went to dinner at this italian restaurant where there was nothing under 1 million calories of course. So I just ate then puked when I got home...I know I'm trying to stop but come on, I just had to. Then I went out for drinks with Hilary and I ate 3 squares of cheesy bread. Yuck, well maybe tomorrow I will fast. I definitly need to exercise tomorrow, an hour of Tae Bo, I didn't do anything today.
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