Date: Oct. 12, 2001
Time: 11:17 AM
My current mood is:
apathy and yanking out my hair
I feel so depressed right now, as usual. I just ate a bowl of cereal, and a chicken salad sandwich! I feel like such a pig to eat that all for breakfast. Yesterday I just lyed around all day moping about, I want to do the same today but I gotta do SOMETHING productive. I mean what use am I if all I do is mope around in bed all day? When I was on the Zoloft, it was so much easier for me to do things, I just DID stuff. Now it's like I don't know, I just don't have the energy or the ability to care. I think I should call up my psych. and go back on the Prozac, I wasn't really on it long enough to see if it would work. I'm worried she's mad at me though....cause I wanted to go off all my medications, but I didn't want her to get mad at me so I just skipped my appointment and never called again. I'm such a wuse! So now I'm afraid she'll say something to me about it. I guess I'm just not all that great with confrontations or something. I don't even want to go to class, but I know I have to I can't keep skipping class like this!! I just want to bury myself in my bed and stay there forever. I keep getting this feeling lately like I don't know what to do, I don't know how to go on. I feel like...I don't know, it's hard to say exactly, just I'm not sure how to be alive. I start thinking of the future, and realizing that tomorrow will be like today, and so forth, and it feels like this big weight is upon me, as if I'm climbing up this ladder, and I keep climbing and climbing, but it never seems to end, it just stretches upwards into the sky and never seems to end. Holy run-on sentence batman! Hehe. I mean i guess that's why I do the things I do, like be weird with food, cut myself, ect. Cause I just don't know how else to handle it. Last night I was talking to Bud on the phone, and he started asking me about "how I am doing", meaning, have you been puking. So I was like you keep asking me that everyday, and he said well I"m going to keep asking you everyday. GEEZ! Everyday?? That's when I realized I was pulling strands of hair out of my head. Damn nervous habits. Oh actually, before that, when I was talking to John, I just realized I was pulling out my eyebrows. THis morning it was my lashes...what the fuck??? It's like no matter what I do, no matter what bad thing I try to stop doing, another one takes it's place. I haven't done the hair pulling in awhile, now that I'm trying to cut down on the purgeing, here it is again. I'm so hopeless! It's weird, cause I anticipate what my next habit will be, like I know sometime in the future I'll end up being an alchoholic or drug addict, cause that's just the way I am. Well, I must go get ready for class now. I can barely muster up the, umm, "caring" for lack of a better word, to go. Ahh sweet apathy.
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