Date: Oct. 11, 2001
Time: 1:10 PM
My current mood is:
John's having issues
I talked to John online last night. We don't get to talk much anymore, cause of the time difference. I mean it's only a 3 hour, but still. Uffff, I feel so sick right now, I just ate a bunch of food and didn't purge, so now my poor stomach has to actually digest it all. But I'm trying to not purge anymore, or at least minimally, so I must deal with it. I don't want to go to class, my tummy hurts :'( I think I'm going to have to skip class, I really can't afford to but my stomach is really bothering me. But anyway, back to John. For some reason, whenever I talk to him....well not all the time, but like half the time....I feel like I want to cry. I don't know why. I just feel a lump in my throat and my eyes sting with tears. I don't cry anymore though, I mean I used to when he first moved away, now I just feel the slite reminicent of tears. I feel like an idiot cause of that. I wish I could just stop caring about him, and just care about Bud. But I was talking to my friend about it, and she said it's ok to still care about John, that you don't have to stop caring about someone just cause you're not with them. I hope that's true, cause I feel kind of weird about that, that I will always have John in my heart, but I do care about Bud. I can't help but feel though that John's "the one that got away". The one you will never see again, but will always wonder what could have been. I really want to talk to him on the phone, I haven't in awhile. Whenever we talk on the phone though, we end up talking for hours, which is not so good for the phone bill...but that's ok, it's worth it. I feel bad though, he's having some problems I think. When I was talking to him, he said he's been coming to a lot of realizations, and haveing "John Issues". I guess he's realizeing that he doesn't have that much self worth, he didn't really specify too much what he meant, he said he'd explain more when we talked on the phone next. I feel bad, but at the same time I think he's finally addressing some issues that he should. I told him that he's a great guy, with only one flaw that I know of. He begged to know what flaw that was, so I told him, even though it was hard to put into words. Hell, I don't even know if it's a flaw at all, or maybe I'm just the one with the flaw. I told him the only thing wrong with him was that he has a tendency to be distant. Like when I went out with him, I never could tell if he wanted me around, or if he cared about me, he never really let me know. I always felt like he was playing hard to get. So I told him that, and he agreed, and said he was sorry about that. He said he's also been thinking about past relationships, I wonder if that includes me? And what does that mean? I wish I had a picture of him. Just so I could look at it, and not just have to rely on memory. I miss him. I wonder if he'll ever admit that he misses me back.
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