Date: Oct. 08, 2001 Time: 12:20 PM My current mood is: Bud's reaction, continued from yesterday Well everything is ok now. Last night, I was so upset, I wrote Bud an email yelling at him for the way he reacted and saying how hurt I was. He called a little while after and apologized. He said that he just was so shocked and confused by what I told him, that he didn't know what to say. He's never come in counter with a problem like this, he doesn't even know anyone who's ever had an eating disorder so he's not sure how to handle it. I mean he's taking psych. classes, I think he's actually minoring in psych., so he knows like text book knowledge on the subject, just never had any personal experience. So we talked about it, and I tried to explain it to him the best I could. One thing, is that he knows a bunch of people who cut themselves, so I tried to tell him how it's a very similar problem, basicly the same type of thing. So I think that helped him understand it a little bit better, though not much considering he said he still doesn't understand cutting. Then I reminded him of the other night when he said he felt too overweight to go clubbing with me. I told him I feel that way but all the time, times 10. He was like "ya but I really am over weight, docters have told me" so I tried to explain well my mind tells me. One thing that was tough, was that he started saying that he would be with me through it, but only if I was trying to get better. He said that he doesn't want to just stand there while I get sicker and sicker. So he asked me straight out, am I ready to get better? I told him truthfully I don't know. I think that's also something he doesn't understand, or anyone would understand who doesn't have the same problem. That part of you does want to get better, but theres another part that doesn't. That's why it's so hard. Part of me doesn't really care about getting better, even though it causes me misery. And I don't think I can ever get rid of that, cause I think all people with EDs have those 2 sides. The rational "this is fucking stupid what am I doing" side, and the "well who really cares, I deserve it anyway" side. I guess I'm just a really self destructive person, it's like my personality. So it's hard for me to think of that, that he will do everything he can to help me, but not if I'm not going to do anything about it. I think it worried him to think that I'm not currently getttng better, I'm actually getting worse. Oh last night I didn't end up cutting myself. I exercised for 20 minutes then Bud called. I was going to do an hour then cut myself afterwards. So Bud just called me today, like a few minutes ago. He invited me to come over and snuggle under blankets while we watch Sleepy Hollow. Hehe, how cute. He even told me to bring my pajamas! Lol! Weirdo. I still feel embarrised though, about telling him. So I'll feel a little weird I think when I go over there. I still can't believe I told him. The only other people who know are Katie, and Jim somewhat. He knows about how I didn't used to eat, not about the vomiting though. Speaking of Jim, I talked to him the other night, and asked him if he wanted to hang out with Katie and I. He said sure, and that he just had to eat dinner first. Hours go by. He calls again, saying he didn't eat dinner yet, he will call when he's done. It is now 9pm-9:30pm, me and Katie descide FUCK HIM and just go out bar hopping. What the hell??? He's such a bastard. Why doesn't he just say he already has plans, instead of saying he'll hang out and then not? What the fuck? I'm sick of his shit. I was going to call him up and bitch him out, but then I was like you know what, forget him. Like why even waste my breath, if he's going to be a tool I'll just forget about him, I don't need his crap. It's kind of sad, cause I've known him for so long, but he's the one with the problem, so it's out of my hands. I feel like screaming at him that we almost had a child together, what the fuck is wrong with you??? By the way, in past entries I've written "...." in place of a certain word, cause I was too chicken to say it. That certain word is abortion. When I went out with Jim, I got pregnant, and had an abortion. And now he doesn't even want to hang out with me. Sorry, but that's a big fucking deal to me. Damnit, my arm has been going numb all day. I've tried to keep intouch with him, to keep him in my life. But he does not make the same effort, so screw him I do not need that shit in my life. Today I exercised for an hour, I want to do another half hour but I'm worn out right now. Maybe tonight I will. I need to start exercising more, I'm so unfit. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: