Date: Oct. 07, 2001
Time: 9:39 PM
My current mood is:
Bud you fucking asshole, I just spilled my guts to you.
I just did something that I now regret, BIG TIME. I was talking to Bud online, and I said I felt like killing myself. He kept asking why, and I kept telling him I couldn't tell him. The reason was that since I've been home today I've binged and purged 5 times, and I feel like I just can't take it anymore. But anyway, so after he kept asking and asking, I finally told him. I told him that I am bulimic. You know what he said? He said "well if you ever do that around here I will promptly tell you to leave". That crushed me. How could he say that to me? First of all, I've never done it at his place, or when he is around at all. Infact the only time I keep food down is when I am with him. That's the most heartless thing for him to say to me. I told him about how I used to weigh 95lbs, and not eat, and how I want to be 90lbs. I asked him if I weirded him out, and he said "well I Don't understand it, so yes". I made such a mistake. Why did I do something so stupid. That was my deepest darkest secret, and I told him, now he will break up with me and laugh at me and think I'm disgusting. He must think I'm so gross. I don't know what to do now. I'm freezing so much right now, I checked the temperature and it said 71 degrees, I'm wearing pants and a long sleeve shirt but I was shaking it's so cold, even my teeth were chattering. I just put on Bud's wool flannel he lent me, I'm still freezing though. Why can't I get warm?? Back to what I was saying though, now I just feel even worse about myself, and have an even bigger "fuck everything" feeling then I did before. I should have never told him. I knew this would happen, I'm so STUPID! Uff, my fingers are practicly going numb. I feel like I should just kill myself now, but that would be kind of dumb to do that over another person. Maybe I will cut myself. I can't think of any other way to deal with this. God I must seem so hidious to him. I mean, what kind of person vomits all the time??? How gross is that??! Of course, when he first asked if I had an eating disorder, the first thing he asked was "how long have you been anorexic". Because as we all know, anorexia is seen as feminine, and something of an accomplishment. Bulimia...that's just seen as disgusting. It's so unfair, I don't mean to be gross. Shit, now I'm crying. I haven't cried in awhile. Well you know what, FINE THEN, bulimia is gross, I admit it. I won't do it anymore than, I'll just starve myself. Thats better, he'll think that's less gross I'm sure. Then again we'll probably end up breaking up so it won't even be an issue to him anymore. You know what, fuck that, I'll dumb HIM! I don't need him to be a prick to me. Why couldn't he just say "I'm sorry, I care about you and I'll do everything I can to help you". That would have been nice to say. Or maybe "anytime you want to talk about it, I'm here for you, this doesn't change how I feel about you at all, I'm so glad you told me". That also would have been something good to say. But, I got neither. And then his friend Elizabeth came over so he had to go. I'm sure he's telling her all about it as I type this. I thought I could trust him. Now I know better, I'm never telling anyone ever again. I'm so fucking disgusting. I can't believe Bud did this to me, practicly forced me to tell him then once I do he gets all freaked out and thinks I'm gross. Well, I have not cut myself in a long ass time(I think?), tonight seems like the right time to do it. Earlier today I read a journal where this girl cut herself so deep that she could see the muscle, and she broke open artories and the blood was spirting out. I'm so much of a wuse to ever do it that deep, but right now that seems like such a nice thing to do to oneself. If I had a gun right now I'd shoot myself in the fucking head. I wish i could take a bunch of pills, but then I would feel dumb knowing that Bud would know it was cause of him. This is the worst ever, I feel awful. Time to go cut.
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