Date: Oct. 07, 2001
Time: 4:27 PM
My current mood is:
You can call me Reverend from now on
The bad thing about hanging out with Bud so much is that I can't puke after I eat with him. DAMN IT! Oh well. I just got home from sleeping over his place again, I just binged and purged 3 times to make up for all the meals I've been keeping down lately. Damn, what was I going to write....I was going to write about something, but I can't remember now. Shit, that sucks. Last night I started talking to Bud about how I don't know how I can go on, knowing the rest of my life will always be the way that it is. I tried to explain what I meant, I think he understood. Although he said the thing I HATE, the thing everyone always has to say when you say you are sad all the time...."Well, everyone gets sad". Ya, thanks. He meant well though. But then I went on to explain well yes everyone gets sad but I feel like killing myself all the time, throughout my entire life. I don't think normal people feel that way, at least I hope not! I felt bad though, cause I don't want to be depressing and stuff to him, so I tried to keep that conversation short. Lately I've realized there is a corolation between my vomiting and being depressed. It's sort of like a chicken or the egg thing, not sure which is caused by which. I think it would be more benifitial for my mental health to restrict more instead of puke though, as I notice when I was restricting last week I felt much happier and at ease then when I'm puking. I actually haven't cut in awhile, not because I don't feel like it anymore but because whenever I randomly get the urge to, it's always when I'm around people and I end up being unable to. I am now a Reverend at the Universal Life Church. I can legally marry people, and conduct funerals. Fun fun! Too bad I'm not even christian, lol. Incase you're wondering, I did this by going on their website, you can become one for free online.
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