Date: Sept. 29, 2001
Time: 10:40 PM
My current mood is:
a wish to expire
Right now I'm being a total loser and sitting here by myself on a Saterday night. That's ok, I've been feeling pretty antisocial lately. Although I really miss Bud right now, I would love to hang out with him, only him though. I think he's one of the only people I can stand to be around right now. Maybe Katie too. I don't know why I'm being so unfriendly....today I made myself hang out with Norman, and the whole time I just wanted to leave, and finally made up and excuse that I was tired. Earlier today I had to sit at a booth for the radio station at my school. There was a football game, so we had it right near it, so people could get bumper stickers. It was pretty boring, I didn't like the other people I was sitting with. This girl, one of the 3 that runs that department(promotions) kept talking to me, and wouldn't shutup. I just nodded my head and made "listening noises" as they call it in psychology(yay I payed attention). The whole time she was talking to me, I was just wishing she'd go away or something. That's pretty much how I've been feeling towards everyone. So basicly I just sat around all day, except for that and hanging out with Norman for a few hours. The rest of the time I just binged and purged. I said to myself on Monday I will call that place....the ED clinic, and the docter. God I've been feeling like I want to die lately so much. I've been feeling extra depressed for the past week or 2, I forget when it started. It's sort of hard to figure out when stuff like that starts and stops, considering I'm sort of always depressed, even when I'm happy. But I think for about 2 weeks it's been more. I keep thinking about slitting my wrists, and I keep eyeing the bottle of cleaner that's been sitting on my night table for days now. I forget what brand it is, I just know that every time I look at it, something inside me says "Drink it, all of it." I've even pondered whether that would actually kill me, or just make me very sick, there would be no point if that were the case. While I'm on the topic, why even bother get better from the bulimia? I mean it's just a slow form of death, right? And if I'm that apathetic towards life then why does it matter enough to stop? That's the main reason it's so hard, cause I really don't see a reason to stop. I mean it could kill me....point being? I wish I could talk to Bud about this, at least about the wanting to die part, but I feel like that's unfair to load on him. I don't want him to feel sorry for me and think I'm trying to be all trying to get him to pity me. I can't help this, I don't want to be pathetic, that's just the way it would sound though. So alas, this is my only output, aside from therapy, which I don't even know how much longer I will have that. Every night I dream that someone is trying to kill me. I wish one day my dream would come true.
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