Date: Sept. 28, 2001 Time: 2:45 PM My current mood is: an ED clinic??? the docters??? Holy shit! My aunt is a total nut ball. She gets her mail sent to my house see, and she keeps buying stuff through the mail, it's rediculous! Right now we have 5 big packages on my kitchen counter from only the past 2 days for her. She's a fucking nut, she needs to stop being such a spendaholic! And the thing is, she has so many bills and owes everyone money, I mean it would be one thing if she could afford it but she can't. She FINALLY has a full time job(she hasn't had one in 10 years), and all she does is blow all the money. Ah well, it's not my business. Ok now that I have that out of the way, on to more important matters. I feel weird talking about this cause this involves my therapist, who is probably reading this(Hi Joyce!) I saw her the other day and she said she didn't feel comfortable seeing me if I was not going to the docters and to an ED clinic. She's not sure if we're on the same page, she wants to help me get better but I'm not doing much to help with that. I guess she can get sued if something happens to me. So basicly if I want to keep seeing her I have to go to the docters and to that ED clinic....YIKES!! I'm so scared to go to either of them. Just the fact that on the thing I have to give to the docter, it says "Diagnosis: Bulimia Nervosa", I'm too scared to give that to someone. I really don't want a million people to know about it, and I don't want some docter telling me stuff I already know, like it's bad for me blah blah blah. I don't need a speech on it. The blood tests and heart test I guess i can put on my insurence cause if my dad asks I can always make up reasons, like for blood tests I can say that it's to make sure I'm doing ok with the meds I'm on(which is none), and the heart test I can say that the docter wanted me to have one, cause of the fact that when I was a baby I had a silent heart murmer, so I can just say the docter wants to check up on that. As for the ED clinic, I would have to pay for that out of pocket, so I don't know what I will be able to afford. I emailed them, but it got sent back saying that the email address isn't correct, so they must have changed it. That means I have to either call them or go in in person....noooo!! I'm too scared to do that. I don't even know if I'm ready for this, part of me feels like if I go into treatment I'm "giving up" on my ED, as weird as that sounds. I'm afraid to eat normal I guess. Part of me is happy at the fact that I puke almost everything I eat, like I'm finally "doing it right", or some shit. The other part of me is scared of that, and every time I go to puke there is a sinking feeling in my heart(emotionally not physically), and I feel like I just want to cry. I'm looking at my hand right now, my knuckles are red, and I have this permanant bruise it seems right under my first knuckle. Last night I ate dinner, chinese food, like a whole meal and I DIDN'T puke it, I was kind of upset about that, but I couldn't cause Katie was over. It helped distract me that we were talking about funny stuff, so I didn't think about it as much. But then when I tried to go to sleep that night, it took me over an hour to fall asleep cause all I could think of was exercising and food and dieting. I mean do I really have enough of a problem to warrant an ED clinic and docters? Is puking 3 times a day(on average, sometimes more sometimes less) that big of a problem? I'm sure there are people much worse then I. I keep imagining walking over to the clinic, and as I walk over Bud happens to be walking by, then I have to explain what I'm doing infront of an ED clinic. But that wouldn't happen. What if I have to stop seeing my therapist? I don't want to, she's nice, and she says the nicest things to me. It seems juvinial that some of the things she says I would think are so nice, like when she said once that she thinks I am compitent, or something to that affect, or that my well being matters to her, it means something to me. Simple things like that, which I think to anyone else would not be a big deal, are compliments to me. So I don't know. Maybe I can ask Katie to go with me, since she knows about my food issues and stuff, though I would still feel like an idiot. Well, my next appointment with her is in 2 weeks, so that means within that time I should get these things done. I don't know if I can do it. Oh, another thing that's been freaking me out, my radio show. I had my first show, and I was so scared and anxious, I feel like I never want to do one again! I think I made a mistake having a show. I'm going to screw everything up! And all the music I play is going to suck! I'm sure no ones even listening to it. I don't know if I can do this. This always happens, whenever I get excited about starting something, then I start it and I get so discouraged that I end up quiting. That happens with everything...like how last year I wanted to restart that feminist club, I was all psyched about starting it up and how I would be the leader of it, then all of a sudden realized how much I SUCK and decided not to. Well tonight I'm going to see Bud's friend Bill and his band play. They're a ska/funk band, which I probably won't like, but that's ok I'll go anyway just cause Bud's going to be there. I only get to see him once a week practicly! :( I wish we could hang out more, I really like him a lot, he's so cute. But then again, we both are in school and need to focus on our work. Oh! I fell in love with the CUTEST lizard ever!!!! I went to the pet store with Katie and I held a Mountain Horned Lizard, it was soooo awesome I almost bought him right on the spot! But, the rational side of me kicked in(it doesn't very often, lol) and told me to wait. So I'm thinking about it. At the same time, I also have realy wanted a Blue Tongue Skink(other lizard) for quite some time now, so I'm having trouble deciding. I asked Bud's opinion, and John's and they both said I can't get one cause I can't even find my snake :( I guess that's true, I still haven't found my snake yet. I'm so worried, I hope he's ok! I had a dream last night that I found him. I wish he would come back to me, my poor baby!!! I wish I could have a hundred animals. Especially reptiles, I love them. Hmmmmmmm..... 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