Date: Sept. 23, 2001
Time: 2:51 PM
My current mood is:
I'm gross and depressed
For some reason I've been depressed all day. Actually yesterday too. I went apple picking yesterday with Bud, Katie, Hilary, Shaggy, my sister and her friend Laura. It was pretty cool. I don't know why but I felt like I was struggleing to be happy though. I hate that, no matter what emotion I feel, even happyiness, there's always sadness in the backround. I kind of miss being on the Zoloft, cause that helped me differentiate my moods better, like I'd be happy or sad, not both at the same time. I guess I just always feel uncomfortable, like I'm balanceing on a tightrope, any minute I could fall. My happyness is never steady, there's always an echo of sadness. So today I'm trying not to want to just lie in bed all day, I got a bunch of stuff to do like clean the house and do school work. It's hard though, when I feel like crap. I look so gross I just want to die. It's so hard to be with Bud, I just feel so ugly and gross why would he want me?? I really need to lose weight. I think I really will, instead of just binging and purging which has made me my normal weight of 110lbs, yuck. I wish I could say to him how bad I feel that I gained so much weight, that I really used to be 15lbs less so that he won't be so grossed out by me. I'm sure once I lose weight inside he'll like me more, even though he tells me how hot I am all the time, I can never agree with him. He even told me that I am perfect at the weight I'm at now, if I lost 5lbs I wouldn't look as good. He kept asking me if I was ok last night, I feel bad cause I already complain to him sometimes about my looks, I don't want to bug him out and tell him how I'm so fat I just want to die, I mean normal people don't say that. He would be so annoyed with me. Why can't I just be happy? It's hard for me to even be physical with him, not cause I'm not attracted to him, but just cause it makes me feel so awful to know he's touching me and I'm so gross. Maybe once I lose some weight I'll feel better about it, and I won't look as horrible. I wish I could feel happier. I hate being depressed.
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