Date: Sept. 19, 2001 Time: 7:52 PM My current mood is: talked to John and had another crappy dream Well I just talked to John on the phone for like 2 hours, then talked to Bud for a bit. It was good talking to John, I haven't talked to him in awhile really. He's a cool shit. One thing though, he was asking about how people here are doing, and he asked about Bud. Except he said "So you're still dating Kevin?" WEIRD! No one ever calls him Kevin, I think he said that because I told him that he hates being called Kevin and that he just goes by Bud. So that struck me as odd. I was like "Whoa, you remembered his name.." He made me feel guilty that I'm going out with Bud! Which is dumb, cause John is across the country, we're just friends now. So he was asking if I'm still dating him, how often do I see him, it just seemed like he had a twinge of jealousy the whole time. But then again I shouldn't talk, cause then he started talking about this girl he liked, and I was like grrrrrrrr. Apparently he's living with 2 his exgirlfriends, WEIRD!! He said it's actually weirder then he thought it would be, and I told him that would happen. I mean how do you live with 2 of your ex's and it not be weird? I guess one of them keeps flirting with him and stuff. I miss him. Well anyway, I'm fucking sick and it SUCKS! I hate being sick. I can't stop sneezing :( How utterly annoying. Ok, I decided I'm going off all my medications, THAT"S THAT! I'm so sick of not being able to have a normal sex life, it's very frustrating. I mean I wouldn't mind if I didn't have a boyfriend, but I feel like the biggest retard like having these sexual side effects, I just hope it comes back after I stop the meds, cause that will mean it's not psychological. I just need to find out. So I think for like a month or 2, ya maybe for 2 months I will be off everything and see what happens. You know lately I've been feeling like self injuring like everyday, what's up with that? I just realized yesterday that I'm talking my self out of cutting like on a daily basis now, half the time I write in here is to distract myself from the cutting thoughts. I'm thinking self destructing thoughts lately I guess, including the puking too. Cause I want to hurt myself from the purging. Really, I want to like end up in the hospital, that is when I will be satisfied. I still haven't gone to the docters yet like my psych. wanted, the reason being that I know when I go, the results will say I'm 100% fine, and I will be CRUSHED when I hear that! It will make me want to puke 10 times a day, just because the results are normal. How do I explain that to my psych? She will be so agrivated at me. But it's true, I think if I go to get my blood tested it will only egg me on to want to damage myself further, because my goal will be to try to get my test results to say there is something wrong. I fantasize about having a heart attack, or passing out, being unconcious. I feel like a failure right now, cause I am walking around, being fine. Every time I puke I hope to see blood, though I haven't yet. I'm fucked in the head. Why am I like this? I had another bad sexual dream. Well it was only one part of the dream though. In the dream I was in a mental institution, and they were using us for cloning experiments and shit, so it kind of sucked. Britiny Spears was in it too...hmmmm. Anyway, so it kind of sucked, then I was lying in this bed and this guy I used to work with was lying next to me, and he jumped ontop of me and held me down and I started screaming. These 2 girls that were there saw and got him off me. I think he was saying that I wanted it and stuff, I forget. I wish I would not ever have a bad sexual dream again, they're so creepy. I've been having them since I was like 15, or at least that's the earliest I can remember having them. I have them about once a month, sometimes less. I've never been molested or anything when I was younger, so I don't know why I have them. I've been in a few compromising situations like, in older years, but I doubt that's why I have them. Who knows. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: