Date: Sept. 08, 2001
Time: 2:15 PM
My current mood is:
oh whoa as me
Ok this is entry #2 for today, but I just remembered something I wanted to write about the other day. Katie is one of my best friends, I've been friends with her since I was like, 13. We never ever get into fights either, we just get along soooo well! But there is one thing that bothers me. She's one of the only people that knows about my issues with food, cause she also has issues with food. The only thing is that she's pretty much all set with that now, like she's recovered I guess. I mean sometimes she'll tell me she's having a bit of a hard time, having a relapse, but for the most part she's doing well. And I'm glad for her. But the thing that bothers me, is the fact that she never asks how I'm doing with all that stuff. I'll ask her once in awhile how she's doing with that stuff, and she won't even ask in return how I'm doing. I mean I don't like talking about that kind of stuff anyway, but in a way by her not asking it makes me feel like she doesn't care. I mean by her knowing what it's like to have problems with food and weight, wouldn't she be more understanding? I don't want to say anything to her, I don't want to force her to care or anything. But it just makes me feel weird that I'll ask her cause I am concerned, but it doesn't seem like she really gives a shit back. The thing is, we hang out all the time, and she always calls me so it's not like doesn't like me(right??) We're even thinking of moving in together after this semester. I think the reason that it bothers me mostly is cause I know I've gotten....well I don't know if it's worse or just different. Instead of restricting food I just puke all the time. I think puking is worse for you then restricting food. If she asked how I was doing, I think I would tell her that I've become bulimic, even though it would be really hard for me. But oh well, not a big deal I guess. It's just hard not being able to tell anyone(except for psych. and therapist), it gets really lonely. I feel like I want to tell someone just so they can know what I'm going through, and I don't know, I just want to be in someones arms and have them tell me it will be ok. Maybe I'm just being a baby about things. I think I am. Still, sometimes it would be nice to not have to hide behind a smile, when inside I feel like I want to die. Oh I'm just being melodramatic, I complain too much!
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