Date: Sept. 04, 2001 Time: 8:49 AM My current mood is: some more long winded thoughts on my life Last night I was thinking about something, but I was too lazy to come on the computer and write about it here....so now since early morning waking insomnia has got me up as usual, I will discuss my thoughts. I was thinking about how lately, I've been being very passive and submissive. I'm not really sure why, I've always hated being submissive, especially with men. Like in relationships I've always liked having a bit of the upper hand in things, not to the point where I'm being a psycho bitch, but just....damnit, I can't spell the word....suttle? suddle? sutle? Whatever! Ok, I like haveing a small amount of control. Sometimes I'll tell a guy to do something, just to make him do what I say, hehe. But they always do it, so whatever. Anyway, so lately I've been.....weird. Like for instance, when I slept with John, that was purely for his benifit. With the meds I'm on right now, I have like zero sex drive. But I did it cause he wanted to. Same with Bud, I slept with him twice so far, both times not because I particularily wanted to, just cause I wanted him to enjoy it. Last night as we were about to have sex, the thought ran through my mind "you are just a pair of spread legs, you are here to please him". And it didn't even make me depressed, it was more like stating a fact to myself, nothing particularily sad about it. Then when we were walking around Harvard Square with some people, he grabbed my wallet chain and started "walking" me, hehe, like holding my chain instead of my hand. In a way it felt good, cause I felt like I was his bitch, it made me feel so like he was in control, I was just his dumb hoe. Just a piece of property. I don't know why that feeling satisfied me, normally I HATE feeling that way, but I don't know, lately I'm just weird. Last night I was thinking how I wish Bud would hit me. I know he never would, but I think I would like it if he did. I'm not talking S&M here, I mean abuse. I don't know why, but I've often wished that when I'm going out with someone, that they would hit me and stuff, like it would satisfy some part in me. Mind you, I don't "like" pain, but it's satisfying sometimes, like when I cut myself. Speaking of which, I cut myself yesterday. Not really sure why, just felt so internally uncomfortable, I needed too. I sat for a long time just holding the razor in my hand, my arm outreached, just sitting there thinking. I was thinking about whether I should cut myself, cause I felt like I wasn't sure that if I did would I do it so deeply as to kill myself? So I wasn't sure that I would be able to just do it lightly, and not slit my wrist. So I just sat thinking about it, and finally decided to cut and I didn't kill myself(duh). It's not that I was particularily suicidal yesterday, it just suddenly seemed really tempting to see blood rushing from my veins. So I settled for just a little blood. God I haven't seen any of my friends in forever. All I've been doing is hanging out with Bud and working. Speaking of which, this is day 3 that I'm not going to work. I'm not sure if I want to quit or not, though I think I'm already fired. Then again, I realized that I do have one small window, if I decide to stay there. See, I wrote a note saying I just wanted to work weekends for the next couple weeks, so I can say that I meant it started now, not next week. But I don't know, I'm not sure if I want to work there, I keep thinking about it and changing my mind. As much as I can't stand the boredom, it does pay $10 an hour, I mean where else am I going to find a job that pays that? Reason being, I decided that I'm going to get my own apartment after this semester. I haven't actually said this to my dad, I guess I should considering he'd be paying for it since I am a lowly college student. But makeing $10 an hour part time would definitely help out a lot in that area, especially if he ends up giving me the car. Oh I really really want my own place soooo bad!! I just went over Bud's best friend Elizabeth's new apartment last night, and I was so envious! It was kind of a shit hole, but I would LOVE to have a shit hole like that!! I could live in a closet and be satisfied, hehe. I'm definitly not the type of person who is materialistic and needs fancy stuff. Just having my own place would mean the world to me, I LOVE the feeling of independance! And I even know where I want to move into, there is an apartment complex right near campus, that's where Mike and Hilary live, as well as other people from my school. So I'm sure if I get all A's this semester, my dad will let me do it! He has to! I've always dreamed of moving out, I remember when I was younger I always said that I would move out when I was 17, cause the the age you can legaly move out on your own. I just wanted out. But now here I am, 22 years old, still living at home. Although I did live away at school for a year...mainly that is the reason my dad doesn't want me to move out again! But I will not fail out of school, I just know it. I've finally found what I really want to do, I really truely want to go into psychotherapy and help people. I hate how everyone in the world is majoring in psychology. It makes me feel so....like that I'm not going to actually use my degree, cause I guess a lot of people don't. But I really am, this is really what I want to do for the rest of my life. I've always enjoyed helping people out with problems, and just listening. Inside I've always wanted to be a therapist, I just always figured I'm to nuts to be one. But I don't care, I don't actually follow my own advice or anything, so it's not like I would be giving bad advice to people and stuff. Ya. So in conclusion.....um, it's damn early. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: