Date: 2001-08-20 Time: 11:53 a.m. My current mood is: Frustrated, Angry, Depressed For some reason this morning(afternoon), I've been feeling....I don't know what I'm feeling, but I've been feeling it since I got up. Just this frustrated angry depressed emotion, that's the best I can describe it. Thoughts of death loom in my mind, not really of killing myself, more just the knowledge that I will die early, most likely from my own causing. I just cut myself, haven't done that in awhile. Not deep or anything, don't want even more dark scars. I only did it a bit, only on one side of my arm, so hopefully no one will notice. It seems to me a lot of people cut to see the blood, at least that's what it seemed like in the book "A bright red scream". I don't do it to see blood, I do it for the feeling of it, to feel the pain. Seeing blood means permanant scars, gotta be careful with that. I was also punching myself with the handle end of the scissors to make bruises. What is my problem today? I don't even know. Nothing in particular happened. I think purging alters my mental state, makes me more depressed. I see my psych tomorrow, I will ask her if it can do that. My arm is puffy now, well not my whole arm, just where the marks are. Today I want to hang out with Bud, Hilary and Mike. I think we're going to go to some show, I don't even know the names of the bands playing, but it's only like $6 so might as well. I'm still kind of pissed off at Mike. I don't know why I'm friends with him, he can be so rude sometimes. I used to think he was cool until he made that nose remark, and he picks fights with Hilary a lot. He can be just so damn sarcastic and higher then thou. I'd also just like to add that my sleeping habits are FUCKED UP! It's kind of annoying. I mean I used to have bad insomnia, it would take me hours to fall asleep every night. Now I actually fall asleep fine, it's the staying asleep I can't do. I keep waking up really early, it's irritating. All week long I've woken up before my alarm, and on my day off today, I woke up something like 3am, stayed up till 5:30am, went back to sleep and woke up at 8am and have been up since. I know some people think waking up at 8am is normal, but for me that is damn early. Normally I wake up at like....now actually, lol, 12pm. So I just can't stay asleep in the mornings. My hair is soft. The End. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: