Date: 2001-08-20 Time: 3:47 a.m. My current mood is: This painful emotional wanting Tonight I lost count. Did I puke 4 or 5 times? That's kind of sad, when the times you puking start to blur and you don't remember how many times. I think this is the most times I've ever purged, cause all those times were only at night, not even spread out through the day. Hmmm, talking about puke is kind of gross. I get the worst feeling after I do it. It's like this incredibly painful wanting, this deep within my soul wanting of something, anything. I'm not exactly sure what, but something emotional. I think its like I want a hug, or I want help. I think I will stop taking my daily vitamins. I want something bad to happen to me. It's weird, like I can't wait for the puking to start affecting my health, I'm looking forward to it. I want proof that I am hurting myself, just knowing I am isn't good enough. I want to faint, or have a heart attack, end up in the hospital or something. Maybe I just want to die. I'm so confused about what I'm doing, do I "like" it? Do I want to get help for it? Sometimes I feel like I really need help, but then I think about stopping and I start to change my mind. Puking has become like a security blanket, and if it's taken away...I think I would be lonely. If that makes any sense. School starts in a couple weeks, I'm looking forward to it. I'm sick of working at my work full time carpet is just not all that fascinating, lol. I can't wait till I get my own radio show this semester! I haven't signed up for the class I need to take for it yet, but I should be able to. It will be so cool, cause all the shows on the college radio station SUCK, all they play is pop music and oldies, basicly stuff you already hear on the radio. I just hope I don't over exurt myself this semester, I'm going to school full time, will have a radio show, and will be working part time. That's ok, this semester I vow to get all A's again(last semester I slacked off), I'm going to stay at school even when I don't have class so I can sit in the library and study. Hopefully I can do this during dinner time so I don't have to eat infront of my dad! I'm so angry, I think my medication is making me have sexual problems, AGAIN! Grrrrr! I'm so sick of that, first it was the Zoloft now the Effexor is doing it too. I wonder why antidepressants do that? It's a total pain in the ass. Actually, it's not even really for me why it bothers me, it's more that I feel like I'm disappointing Bud. I know that sounds weird, cause it should be about if I am getting pleasure or not, but I feel like it's primarily for his benifit only. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: