Date: 2001-08-09
Time: 9:38 p.m.
My current mood is:
damn hot out
Today was hot as hell! I think it went up to 102 degrees, and of course my work has crappy air conditioning. You can barely feel it at all! So it was very hot, half way through the day I started feeling a bit dizzy, and the floor seemed as if it was higher then usual. My heart felt like it was pounding a bit funny too. I think this was a combination of 1.Heat 2.Being extremely dehydrated 3.Lack of food Gee I'm smart huh lol. I used to always make sure I drank tons and tons of water, but for some reason I don't do that anymore. Today my pee was literally orange from lack of water! It's weird, cause sometimes I'll be like oh i should drink something, but then I decide not to, I don't know why, I guess just to dehydrate myself on purpose. It's like I find any way possible to harm myself. I'm just addicted to making sure I'm always in some sort of precarious position. I'm such a weirdo. Like for a little while I had this thing where I wouldn't let myself sleep, now sometimes I won't let myself drink...what next? Ok gross fact: When I was little I used to not let myself pee! I probably could have done kidney damage from that, I would always hold it in for hours at a time, like for no reason. Speaking about restriction, I ended my fast. I didn't eat all day Tuesday and then Wednesday fasted until at night I ended up eating 2 pieces of cake which I purged. Then today I ate about 300 cals. Tomorrow I'm not going to eat anything, but on Saterday I'm going out drinking, so I'm going to eat some before I go out. Oh great, my dad just told me that we're going out to eat on Sunday for mine and his birthday. Apparently my grandfather decided we should all go at 9am to some place, I forget the name. Like, if it's for our birthdays, shouldn't we pick it? Sorry, but it's my day off and I'm not getting up early, so they can go screw. And I bet my grandfather will throw a fit about it to, but you know what, if it's a b-day party partly for me then I think I should have some say in it. I don't even want to go out to eat, it's going to ruin my diet. But anyway, I'm so psyched that I'm over the whole compulsive overeating thing I was doing before. That really sucked. My binges are a lot smaller now, and probably would be considered normal, as well as I'm restricting more now. I feel like I'm getting back to my old self. And I'm determined to make sure that Bud doesn't affect my weight and make me gain! Going out with John caused me to lighten up on the restricting, but I will make sure it doesn't happen this time around. I don't think it could happen, I mean he touches my fat all the time it makes me self concious, whenever he puts his hand on my stomach I always suck it in so he doesn't know I'm so fat. I need to stop saying comments about that I'm fat to him. He's going to catch on or something. I can't help it though, I mean when you think you're gross 24/7, it's hard not to let a few comments slip here and there. I was thinking about what will happen when I start losing weight, I mean what will my excuse be to him. To tell you the truth, I don't give a shit. I'll just say he's imagining it and say I don't know what you're talking about. Ok I forget what I've already written about in past entries so I'm just going to end this now.
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