Date: 2001-08-10 Time: 8:43 p.m. My current mood is: things that are bugging me I was so tired today, it sucked. But I couldn't get anything to eat at work anyway, since I didn't have any money on me. Today I had a container of cantalope pieces, probably like a cup and a half, a 20 oz bottle of Gatorade, and then just now I had some of this concoction of pasta,veggies and shrimp I found, not sure how much of that, maybe a cup? And I had a plum. I'm surprised at how well I am restricting lately. Oh, the other day Bill invited Bud and I to his party, and Bud said "Oh I might be in New Jersey then". Immedietly I thought: He's leaving me. He's moving to New Jersey and never coming back. I will never see him again. But he said he's going for a weekend or something. But geez, I'm so rejection sensitive. I'm always afraid everyone is leaving me. Maybe that's because everyone eventually does. I just know Bud will leave, or something will happen, like he'll die or something. Nobody ever stays. For example, Jim. I never hang out with him anymore. I Think in the past month I've talked to him like once. He's gone. I don't understand how people can do that, say they care and be so friendly then suddenly poof they are gone. Like you never meant anything to them at all. Maybe I'm the only one who actually gets attatched to people. I mean after all Jim and I have been through, he just doesn't give a shit anymore? I just don't understand. He gets a girlfriend and suddenly I'm history. Nice thing to do to your friends. I feel like everyone is attatched to me by thin threads, and at any moment anyone of the threads could break. Noone is permanant. I wish someone was. I wish I could have someone that would always be there, that I could just relax and not worry about them leaving. But I've learned that it is stupid to do that, cause everyone is temporary. I hate feeling so alone. Oh, another example, I haven't heard from John in like a month either. It's like he disappeared into thin air. I haven't called him, the last time we talked he said he would call me within the next few days....thanks for ditching me asshole. See? It's like whenever I let my guard down and have feelings for someone, they leave me, and they don't care. I told him some very personal things, cause I thought he would always be there for me, I mean as a friend. I should stop telling people personal stuff. Something that's starting to get to me....ok this sounds weird, but it's bothering me that Bud hasn't mentioned my scars yet. It's not that I want him to notice, I definatly don't. But I'm just so used to having to explain with some dumb excuse, it's like I'm waiting for the inevitable, it's making me antsy. I wish he would just mention it and get it overwith. Something else that is bothering me, I'm still having sexual problems. This sucks. I hate feeling like I'm broken, like there is something wrong with me. What if it's going to be like this forever? And everytime I experience this, it makes me think of ...., because I think that's what it's from. It makes me feel guilty, I tell myself see because of that, now you are damaged, now you will be punished forever. I don't know how I'm supposed to overcome this or whatever, I talked to John about it before, and he said I had to deal with .... in order to go back to normal again. But what is there to deal with? It happened, and that's that. There is nothing I can do now about it. I don't understand what it is I'm supposed to do, think about it more? Why, so I can get more depressed over it? I don't know. I think I might go hang out with Bud now. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: