Date: 2001-07-25
Time: 10:45 p.m.
My current mood is:
I am a zit
I've been so moody lately. Today for the first part of the day, I got really down on myself. All I could think about was how much I hate myself, and how annoying I am. I just wanted to cut myself so badly, and it didn't help that I had a razor on me at the time(my work razorcutter). I kept thinking how fucking stupid, ugly, fat, basicly just a zit on the face of life I am. I was thinking about how everyone at work must hate me, how much of an annoyance I must be to them all. They must wonder how someone so dumb can exist, and why I even bother to show up everyday. I kept wanting to just slash my wrists, and to cut myself....the thing is, that I just don't want to cut myself anymore, it's just TOO DAMN ANNOYING! I'm SO SICK of everyone always asking "what happened?" when they see my scars, it's none of their business!! And now I keep trying to find places that are not visable that I can cut, but then I think ok well what will someone say if they see I have scars all over my stomach, or on my theighs, etc. Why does it have to be about what other people will say? Why can't they just leave me alone. Well, so anyway, I realized that's the reason I've been puking so much. Puking is like self injury, only it's invisable. Noone can see physical evidence that I do it(aside from my cheeks being puffy!). Cutting leaves scars, which sucks, but puking...I can injure myself without people commenting. Well anyway, I don't feel as crappy anymore, that was more the first part of the day. Oh, I must add that this guy at my work that runs the department, is HOT. His name is Will...he's divorced and has a kid.... hehe, forget that. This other guy John that works there keeps asking me out, I wish he would take the hint and quit it! Oh! I almost forget(duh!) My dad is giving me my car! Lol, that sounds dumb, I think of it as my car already, so I refer to it as my car. But my sister is getting a car, so now my dad says i can just have the car since I'm the only one who drives it anyway, yippy!! Ok I have a headache sort of, I don't feel like writing anymore.
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