Date: 2001-05-21
Time: 10:46 p.m.
My current mood is:
missing John
I just got off the phone with John. Now I'm kinda depressed. Why can't he be here with me? Oh well. I wanted to talk about him being there, and how I missed him and stuff, but for some reason I just couldn't. I want to tell him that he just CAN'T move to California like he wants to, I mean he's already 3-4 hours away being in New York, but on the other side of the country??? Man. I mean even by plane ride that's at least 6 hours, maybe 8, I forget. At least this way I have the oppertunity of maybe seeing him again, I would drive 4 hours to see him. I wish I could tell him that I wish we could both move in together, like both move to California....but I don't actually see that happening anyway, so why even bring that up. I just want to feel him in my arms one more time...oh christ, I'm getting all teary eyed again. I just hate this. Whenever I complain to someone about it, they tell me that I should move to where he is, like move in with him. I say no I couldn't do that, then they say why not? Like it's just that easy. I mean, besides the fact that he's never even asked me about it, but geez....it just seems like something that I couldn't do. I feel like I'm such a little girl, I'm always so surprised when people don't see why I can't do things. People suggest things to me like I can just go do whatever I want. And I guess I really am able to...but I dunno I just don't see it. I mean move to a different state? I feel like I'm not "allowed" to. I'm too held down by my family, why can't I just be an adult? I mean I'm going to be 22 in August, it's not like I'm 12 years old. Maybe I will talk about this with my therapist on Wednesday. And geez, I gotta STOP pigging out! I've been eating and eating nonstop all day long. I also need to go look for a job tomorrow. I need cash SO BAD! Jim wants to go to the movies tomorrow night, I told him I have no money, he said he would pay for me but no way!! I hate when people pay for me, and it's not like it's a date(even then, I hate when guys pay for me). I forget if I wrote about it or not, but me and Jim are friends again. He better stop being a mental case!
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