Date: 2001-05-17 Time: 12:03 p.m. My current mood is: I heart John? Well I just got home from sleeping over John's. He's such a cutey!! Well, last night me, him and Hilary went to Manray. This guy that is there sometimes, who's kinda gross and always tries to hit on me was there. John really hates him, cause not only does he hit on me, but he does it when John leaves my side, the second he goes off somewhere that guy is right next to me! So anyway, John started talking to some girl he's friends with there, and I was sitting near him at the bar. The guy sits down next to me and was like "So are you jealous that you're boyfriend is talking to her? I would be". And I said no. But anyway, so when Hilary told John that he did that, John flipped and wanted to say something to him, but I kept telling him not to, cause it's my business. I mean geez guys are just like that sometimes, I'm used to sleazy guys being annoying. So he was like fine I won't. But then a little bit later that sleazy guy was hitting on this other girl, and John walked up to him and said something! I was kind of pissed, cause I told him not to do that. One thing that was weird, after he did that, all I could think about was how I wanted to be really thin and lose weight. Almost like a control thing, cause I felt kinda crappy that he just ignored what I said...I mean not to get back at him or anything, but I don't know, hard to explain. But anyway, we talked it out and everything's cool. Afterwards I went back to John's room. It was cool, we spent hours talking, till 5am. Well at first it wasn't cool...I mean it was, but... We started being physical, and once again, I was unable to..umm...have one. I got really frustrated and upset, not at him or anything, but I started thinking about what if this is permenant. Cause I never had problems like this before, not until ..... happened. Before that everything was great, no problems in that area, but now since then I just don't work right or something. And I told John about how I feel like I'm a disappointment to him. I mean he tries so hard, and nothing. He told me that I'm NOT a disappointment at all, that I'm not letting him down in any way, cool. He said that he's with me because he cares about me, and that's why he wants me to be able to, cause he wants me to enjoy things too. That's the first time he's ever actually said to me that he cares about me :) Woohoo! After that is when we started talking till the wee hours of the morning. I love hearing him talk about stuff. He can be kind of quiet sometimes, like interms of his own thoughts, so when he just talks and talks about personal stuff, it's great. While we were talking and stuff, I started having that faint thought...well more like feeling...that maybe....eep! That maybe I love him?? I don't know, I'm not going to jump to any conclusions here, I mean love is just a word, emotions are like...I don't know, they aren't clear cut, at least to me it seems. But the thought has been popping up in my head lately. I'm just totally smitten with him. Well today is Thursday, and he graduates on Sunday...I really wish he would talk about this with me, I mean he'll talk about it in logical terms, like oh he is graduating on Sunday, but not what exactly this entails....us parting?? Uff! I need to just forget about it. Something will happen, things are going too good with him for things to end, so I should not think that they will. My heart is bursting with him. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: