Date: 2001-05-12 Time: 6:01 p.m. My current mood is: Jim's a fucking ASSHOLE I'm so upset right now. I actually just cried, I hate crying. I just talked to Jim on the phone, to finish the discussion we had the other day, he's being such an asshole!!! What is his deal??? God I have a fuckin headache now. I don't understand why all of a sudden he's turned into such a jerk. He mentioned something like since last month now he's a different person, like something changed him. I'm not sure what happened, cause of course he wouldn't tell me cause it's not my business. I'm wondering if either he had some type of girl problems and is now all bitter about it, or maybe he found out about me and John and is pissed. Either way, he has no right to take it out on me! I mean I considered him close to me, even though we weren't going out and stuff I still keep him close to my heart. He's important to me, and apparently he just doesn't understand that. Of course, he leaves me, everyone ends up leaving me at some point. I should be used to it. Why do I even bother to get attatched to people in the first place?? I get so attatched, then they leave, you think I would learn and just not have any emotional attatchment to anyone. I try, but I just can't help it. I want people to be permenant, to stay where they are forever. I want to be able to have someone that I know will be there always, just being able to know that something in life is permenant. But no one is. Everyone comes and goes, without a second thought. I don't know why I can't be like that too, I just hate gettting close to someone and then have them leave. If I'm going to get close to someone, I would want that person to always be there, cause it's like so much effort to let them in in the first place. People just take closeness for granted. I told him so much personal stuff, and he just doesn't even give it a second thought, I mean if I knew he was going to be like this I wouldn't have done that. On a different note, my cousin Lance came in from Spain. I just got back from seeing him, we were all at my grandmothers place. He was saying how much like his sister Lisa I looked like, everyone says that to me, that me and her are sooo much alike. That we even have the same mannerisms and talk the same. I have no idea! But something else that I found weird.... I'm not sure how it got brought up, but he started saying about how she used to be anorexic when she was in her teens! Now, my grandmother sometimes will say how she's thin and stuff, but I figure hey she always thinks people don't eat enough. But I guess she really was when she was younger, she was really emanciated and she almost went into the hospital. He said the first time he realized how thin she really was, was when they went swimming sometime and he could see all her ribs through her bathing suit! That's weird cause apparently me and her are eerily alike, even though she lives on the opposite side of the country, and now I hear this..... I mean I still don't consider myself like..actually...you know.. But my therapist says I am. I don't diet well enough to be considered that, plus I am too fat, no REAL anor would let themself look the way I do, so out of shape, and LOVE HANDLES, YUCK! Oh that reminds me, I gotta go steal my sisters shorts, lol. She has some size 1's that are too big on her(can you believe that??). She's now a double zero!! That's smaller then a zero! I don't know where she can find anywhere that sells double zeros, I mean barely anywhere sells zeros even. I hope I fit into her 1's. Although my tummy is fat today, from eating so much the past few days, due to my illness. Ok starting tomorrow my diet begins once again. HARDCORE! No binging, this is going to be REAL dieting, I WILL lose weight! And I gotta start taking my diet pills again. Infact I think I will take some now. I don't know why, but when I'm upset or nervous, I'll take my diet pills, it's almost like....I don't know, if I'm upset I just swallow a few and I feel better knowing that I've taken them, and that I will get all shakey from them. Whatever. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: