Date: 2001-04-21
Time: 12:28 a.m.
My current mood is:
C is for Cookie
Well, I just binged/purged, cut myself, now binging again. I had to wrap my cuts in a bandage, they wouldn't stop bleeding. I mean, they weren't like spurting out blood or anything, but I went through 3 tissues before I just got sick of trying to make them stop. This is why I never use razer blades. For me, it's not about the blood, I would rather not have blood come out. It's more about the pain. I want to feel the pain, the cutting into my arm. So I like to usually use sharp objects that are a bit more dull then razers, like scissors or safety pins. With razers it's just too easy, I mean I don't even have to bear down hard to draw blood, I want to be able to put some force into it, some passion! Anyways, on to other psycho matters, I feel so betrayed, and I think no one else in the world would feel betrayed about this, but my dad went out and bought pancakes and waffles! Grrrrr. I just HATE when food gets brought into this house that I didn't get. I'm so controling over the food in this house, it's insane. I mean, I actually feel betrayed that he bought those without telling me. It's MY job to get food! I'M the one who says what he do and don't have! I'm biting my tongue from saying something to him about it, I don't want him to think I'm a freak. But I won't allow waffles or pancakes here!!! Damnit! And the other day he bought a whole thing of cookies, a cake, Toasties, and god knows what else. It really bugs me out. It makes me feel like I have no control. I mean, I don't know where this insane control issue came from, but it's there, and it's all put onto the food in the house. I'm a fucking nutball. Damn, this sucks that I'm eating, I've been doing totally awesome all week! I've been totally ana, dieting great not even giving in to temption at all. Then today, my grandmother made me eat a brownie. Then it all when to shit! I wanted to tell her no I can't have things with sugar, but then she'd get all worried. I'm just really sensitive to sugar, ever since I started not eating and stuff, like last summer is when I started haveing blood sugar problems. Ever since then it's weird. Like I used to have hypoglycemic attacks, I don't get those anymore which is good, but instead like if I eat something sweet, I go nuts and eat everything sweet in sight! After eating that one brownie, I was praticly shaking, trying to not let myself eat any other sugary things. Once my blood sugar goes up, I gotta keep eating junk food to keep it up. That's why I was doing so well all week, cause I cut out all sweets from my diet, and I had like no cravings and it was so easy to not eat. Once I eat crap though, BAM! Cadberry eggs.....mmmmmm....we have some in the cabinet.... uck, I feel like barfing again, but I'm afraid my dad will hear. I just feel crappy tonight. Maybe I'll cut myself again later on.
Leave a message
Last Entry ~ Next Entry
|