Date: 2001-04-17
Time: 11:05 p.m.
My current mood is:
useless thought wonderings
Oh my god I'm so tired :P I don't know why, maybe my metabolism is crappy from lack of food. Well that's a good sign, kind of, at least it means I'm dieting well right? I'm supposed to be writing my Psych. paper right now, it's on men getting abused by women. I have half a page so far...I just can't work on it right now. I don't know why. Although I was just looking around at Dysthymia(mild/longterm) depression pages. It really sucks having it, and the thing is, I never really knew if I was depressed or not, cause I've always been this way, I've had nothing to compaire it to. Like all those depression screenings, they say stuff like "lose interest in things once enjoyed" "Eat more then usual" "sadder then usual"....how the hell am I supposed to know if my "usual" is fucking being depressed??? Hehe, looking back I think it was kind of dumb that I didn't consider myself having depression, yet I've been suicidal since I was like 5 years old. My left wrist looks ultra-thin today :) For some reason, I can't stop staring at it.. I'm sure my right one looks the same lol. If only the rest of me matched the boneyness of it. My cousin Lisa and her husband and kids are coming tomorrow! I haven't seen her in years and years, since she lives in California. I always kinda liked her, even though we only met a few times. For some reason, people say that me and her are exactly alike, that we have the same mannerisms and even talk the same way, which is weird considering she lives on the opposite side of the country. Of course my asshole dad bought a jar of cookies and a cake! Grrrrr....he just can't stand not having junkfood in this house! I swear, it's like we must have a cake/pie on the counter or fridge at all times. And it sucks cause he got cookies that I like, so I'm going to end up eating the whole thing. Well I better not! I'm doing well on my diet, I need to stick to it! Today I had 400 cals, and it was cool cause I broke it into 4 small meals, I think this might actually work at keeping away my binges! Cause I've always just tried to eat once a day, and I'd end up binging that one time so I was just eating a whole lot then fasting. This way, it helps even out my bloodsugar and metabolism. So far so good! The only thing is I can't allow myself to have sugar. Sugar is evil. Once I have sugar/chocolate, I go nuts and have to have it over and over again. Basicly I'm like an addict with it. So hopefully I will not give in and have any of those desserts, I just gotta remember, it's like an avalanche, once I eat one piece of junk food, it all just goes to shit and I eat sugar sugar SUGAR! Ok I'm so lame, my whole diary is completely stupid. All I talk about is lame retarded shit, and half the time I probably repeat myself from past posts, cause my memory is so horrible. Like if you asked me what I did this past weekend, I'd actually have to sit and think about it for a long ass time before I could remember. Damn, I've felt dizzy all night. I'm so LAZY though, I haven't exercised!! Geez, I'm such a lame, shallow person. Here I am bitching and moaning when there are people out there with real problems, ones that actually count. I don't count. But when I lose 10lbs, then I will count, then I will have worth. Right now I'm just no one, worthless. But once I am skinny, I don't know why, but for some reason then I will be worth more, I will be happier, everything will be great. That doesn't make sense though, and I know it. I'm so fucking stupid.
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