Date: 2001-04-21
Time: 1:32 p.m.
My current mood is:
asperation
Yikes I'm still binging!!! Well, I guess there's a reason for it. I'm kind of nervous...I'm like...bleeding...down there.... I mean the thing is, I already got my period like a week or 2 ago, what the fuck?? Well I did just start taking the pill again, maybe it has something to do with that. At least I hope it does! I mean to be randomly bleeding is not a good thing. Hmmm, I just rememebered a dream I had last night. I hooked up with this dude, hehe. In the dream, he had a girlfriend too. Katie gave me the best advice last night! I mean, it wasn't anything like, all that extravigent, but just really well said. I was saying how it bugs me how I'm always trying to figure out what John is thinking, and always feeling insecure, like he doesn't like me and stuff. She said "Who cares what he thinks?" lol! I was like hey...I never thought of it like that...who cares what he thinks anyway?? I mean I know it sounds rude, but really, what the hell should I care anyway. I like hanging out with him, but instead of being all insecure, I should just be like fuck that, I don't give a shit. She told me too, that the best way to have control is to not try for it. Instead of trying to control him and stuff, if I just stop doing that, then I will have control cause I'm not trying so hard, or something like that. I'm still not quite sure how I can incorperate that one, but I think I will try that. Just chill out. I need to stop worrying so much, like oh does he like me, am I annoying him, is he going to hate me, etc. I need to just say you know what, I really don't care. Whatever happens, happens. If we hang out, cool, if now, hey who cares. I think she's right, if I take that kind of attitude, like hey he's cool to hang out with but I'm not going to be all stupid about it, it might actually make him more, I don't know, like into me or something? No maybe that's not the term...maybe he will just respect that more, just the different vibes, more confident vibes. And of course, I don't really care whether he does or not lol :P I need to just focus more on me, stop worrying and overanalyzing so much, just chill out and enjoy life on my terms, not hoping others will make me enjoy it. I think I need to reread my "The Assertive Woman" book, for some reason I have not been very independant and assertive feeling. Infact, I htink I shall put on some Bikini Kill right now! Kick ass!
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