Date: 2001-04-11
Time: 10:20 p.m.
My current mood is:
stupid crap
Well today sucked. Didn't really do anything except go to class and go to my therapist. Still feeling depressed though. Today in my psych. class we talked about rape. We had like a mock trial thing, and it was like one of those ones that it's hard to tell if it's rape or not, the story was that the girl and guy were both drunk and the girl didn't give consent but didn't say no. That class made me feel weird. Just thinking about the different sexual experiences that I've had that I didn't exactly want to happen, yet wasn't rape. Kinda is weird, to hear that something is considered rape, when you didn't think it was, because then.... I don't know, whatever. I remember that time when I went to college last time, and this guy I had met earlier that day, I saw him later on. Except I was totally plastered, he picked me up and carried me to my room and my roomate and some friends came too. He put me in my bed, then got in bed with me and just took off my pants! Just like that! He started making out with me and stuff, and I wasn't even doing anything, just lying there not even making out back. I had previously eaten half a bowl of jello shots, and I am a light weight so I was REALLY drunk. So anyway, I was too drunk to even make out with him, just lying there, and he was still making out with me, gross man. So eventually my roomate kicked him out, after he asked her if it was ok if he spent the night. Geez man! Like hello, I was barely even consious, that's gross of him. But I didn't say no. I was going out with Charlie at the time, and I told him about it after it happened and he yelled at me. I told him that I didn't want to, I was just so drunk he was just doing stuff to me, but he didn't believe it. Ya, that's why I wasn't even making out with him back, just lying there, that's my idea of a good time ya right. He was an asshole about it, saying I was using the alcohol as an excuse and stuff. So I was thinking about that in class. And the thing that really bothered me though, was this other thing... Now I'm NOT saying this is rape, but it made me kind of confused... I thought of the first time me and Jim had sex. We were going out for a while, and he had a party at his house. So we were totally trashed, and we were making out in his room. I knew I was totally trashed, and I didn't want to end up having sex accidently or something, so I said "I don't want to have sex ok?", so then after a while of making out we ended up having sex. After we did, I started crying. But then I figured what the hell, we did it once might as well keep doing it, so the rest is history. So I just kind of dismissed it, but in class the professer was saying how if you're drunk you cannot consent to sex, so it's considered rape. Then I was thinking how I said I didn't want to, but then we did anyway....whatver! Doesn't matter, I'm just thinking of stupid stuff. Sometimes that kind of stuff can be confusing. Oh well, I don't know why I even bothered to write that down it's dumb. Well anyway, so I hope this depression lifts, and the meds kick in again. Otherwise I only have this one more time to raise it, then after that that's all. Yuck, I have homework to do and I really don't feel like doing it, tomorrow is my last classes till Tuesday, long weekend yay! I really wanted to hang out with John today, I'm feeling super lonely. But him and Hilary went to see the band Covenent. I'm supposed to hang out tomorrow with them, but I feel like I don't want to call him just incase he doesn't want to hang out. But I'm being stupid, I will call him, he told me to stop thinking I'm annoying him. I need to stop being so paranoid!
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