Date: 2001-04-08
Time: 6:19 p.m.
My current mood is:
Passover
Today is the second night of Passover. I started out kinda on edge, while we were in the kitchen my grandma and papa were being kinda annoying. They kept telling us what to do and shit, and for some reason as the years go on, I get more and more high strung at holidays. I think I just can't take the bullshit anymore. But I feel kinda like an idiot, cause I get all freaked out at stuff that everyone else seems to not care that much about, like someone makes one off comment and I start flipping. But anyway, so then right before we were starting, my father mentioned that the Brem's were coming too, and of course my grandfather starts bitching how he doesn't like them blah blah blah, and why did we invite them we obviously didn't think of HIM, etc. I was like ok look, I don't always like the people that dad invites over here either, but it's his house, we can't like everyone ok? To make a long story short, he ends up going off on me saying that the day before my mom died, she said to him to watch out for me my sister and my dad, cause we're spoiled brats! And he was going on saying I'm spoiled and all that crap, and I just stared at him, and then I just left the room and went downstairs. As I left he was like "Oh ya, go run away now" and other crap. I'm sorry but that's WICKED RUDE! He has no right to say things like that, bringing my mom into it!!! Ok, I'm used to the fact that he's verbally abusive, he's always been that way. But I think it's FUCKING RUDE to say that my mom said bad things about me, especially saying that the day before she died! I don't believe him though, that isn't something she would say. So I think that's even meaner, that he's making up shit like that. That's awful. I always put up with my fucked up family, always just deal with them, but you know when it involves my mom I just can't take that shit. Spoiled. It's not my fault I'm not homeless on the street. That's the only way my grandfather would be happy, if I was homeless. He's always saying how spoiled I am, how all I do is ask for things and say "gimme gimme gimme". The thing is, I never ask for anything. I swear, he lives in his own little world, cause he says stuff like that but it's not based on reality. What do I ask for? What?? Ya, I'm such a spoiled brat, that's why I've had the same boots for years which have holes in them, half my pants have holes...I don't wear any kind of name brands. Basicly, my dad is always saying I dress like a homeless person, but ya I'm spoiled. If I am spoiled, I don't ask to be. I'm the type of person that I would be fine living in a one room crappy falling apart apartment. I don't give a shit, I could live in a fuckin car if I had to, I'm not some princess that needs to be in a mansion to be happy. God. My grandfather is still bitching about the Brem's to my dad, and they didn't even end up coming! He's so self involved, he's all pissed off that we invited them, it's like you know what it's our house we can do what we want, we don't have to always cater to your needs. I'm so confused. I don't know what the best way to handle him is. I mean, I've always been taught to just ignore what he says, not say anything back. That standing up for myself was wrong, that it was "starting a fight". What am I supposed to do?? I think just letting him say shit to me sucks! That just ain't cool. But if I say stuff back to him, I'm the one that gets yelled at by everyone! It's like thanks alot guys, side with him why don't ya. I can't be "disrespectful". But apparently I don't deserve respect?? I really want to talk to my therapist about this, unfortunatly I ditched my last appointment, oops! Uff, I got my fucking period, grrrrr. So yesterday and today I ate too much :( Oh well, I guess I'll forgive myself for it, since it's from my period. But that's all, back to my diet tomorrow. I've actually been doing pretty well so far since I started my new diet routine. I think I lost 5lbs so far, damn! I would LOVE IT if I could get to 90lbs!!!! My hip bones are sticking out again, I can't believe I gained so much that they weren't really sticking out at all. I mean they aren't a lot, but more then before. This shouldn't be too hard, maybe by the end of the week I can be back to 95?? I'll try. Oh, my Uncle just got diagnosed with Manic Depression. We knew he had depression before, I guess now they realized he's manic too. Apparently he looks like shit too, cause he's in his depressed stage. Hopefully he can get on some different meds.
Oh, and I just wanted to bitch about the fact that my grandfather brought over bags of candy for us again!!!! STOP IT!!!
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