Date: 2001-03-29
Time: 1:23 a.m.
My current mood is:
please like me?
I just got back from John's. ::sigh:: does he care about me? I don't know. I don't feel like he does. I mean, maybe it's cause I went off the Zoloft, pretty much cold turkey(except had to take some today cause I was going through withdrawel), so maybe it's just me being my moody self. But what if he's just using me for sex? Why am I sleeping with him? I wish he would sometimes tell me how he feels about me. I mean I'm not expecting him to be all like oh I'm inlove with you, but I don't know. I wish he was more like Matt in that aspect, Matt seems very emotional. The times that Matt has told me he likes me, he's just so open about it, and so...I don't know, just so expressive. John is never really like that. Then again, I think I'm the type of person who wants 1,000 compliments a day, because it would take that many for me to just believe 2 of them. So maybe I'm not being very realistic, maybe John is being normal and I'm being an insecure spaz. That is most likely the case. But right now it bothers me. I mean it's not like he ignores me or anything, he's always huggy with me, putting his arms around me and stuff like that, and will do completely anything for me in bed. So it's like he shows it more physically then verbally. But damnit, I want verbal compliments! Jim was the same way when I went out with him, he would always be touchy feely and stuff, but he couldn't verbalize it. Then again, I shouldn't even talk, cause I'm not very verbal with my feelings ever either! Well, for some reason it seems my only solution is to lose weight. I know that sounds non-related, but I dunno, I feel like he'll compliment me more if I'm thinner, he'll like it better. When I first started seeing he would always comment on how thin I was, I mean I guess it wasn't necessarily a compliment, but I took it as one. He hasn't commented on my weight in a while, but I've gained weight, so I bet that's why. I wonder if he's grossed out by it, although I wonder if he would even know that I gained 5-8lbs, can anyone tell but me? Well, I know if I lost weight he would notice me more, he would comment on it maybe. Like my favorite Tori Amos song goes "Any kind of touch I think is better then none, even upsidedown". It doesn't matter if it's a good compliment or a concerned one, as long as he notices. I wish I could force it out of him, how he feels about me. But he won't budge it seems, and if he's not going to tell me how he feels first, then I'm not going to either. I'm only going to tell him how I feel after he tells me, that's how I always am. Always wait for the other person to express emotion first, that way you don't look like weak, like an idiot. Maybe he's the same way, and he's waiting for me to first. Well, if that's the case, it ain't never happening. I feel like I'm just his hoe right now or something. I wouldn't ever say this to him though, to let him know I want him to tell me his feelings and thoughts on me, that would be so rude, cause then he'd feel bad for me and say it. And that would be the only reason, out of pity, and like he feels he has to. I wish he would tell me everyday how he feels about me, and what he sees when he sees me. Like I said before, I think I'm just not thinking realistically, as usual. I think I'm just fucked in the head. Oh well.Oh by the way, some kids at my school got held up at gun point tonight. I guess the guy wanted drugs from them. It was on the news, but I didn't see it, I wonder if it will be in the paper. My school is so unlucky, this is the 3rd time this year that my school has gotten into the paper for various shit! Damn, I'm glad I don't live on campus, cause i know something would happen to me, just because lol!
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