Date: 2001-03-13 Time: 01:36:08 My current mood is: long ass entry Hehe, I forgot all about my Diary(thanks for reminding me Jamie!). Well lets see, I'm on spring break right now, yippy!! I'm so glad, I really needed a break so bad. Actually it's not offically "rest time" yet, cause I still got 2 more papers to do, which were due yesteday, oops! Well I went to the poetry reading bar/club yesterday, so, uh, that was more important lol. I really like it there, it's so beatnik...dim lighting, lots of alcohol and cigerettes, and of course the bass and drums playing lightly to whoever it is that is reading their poem, a lot of times with much emotion. Well, last time I wrote how I hoped John wouldn't notice my cuts, well last time we were making out I'm pretty sure he saw them, doh!! Hmm well I guess I shouldn't turn this into a porno entry, lol, but basicly I had cut on my lower legs, so that it wouldn't be so much on my arms, and I figured he wouldn't see them there, but when he took off my pants, he saw them, I know he did, his eyes lingered on my legs, I just tried to hide them and move around so he wouldn't see them. And I think he saw my arms too. Well, I guess he was going to see them sometime, I mean how long can ya go without noticing someone has cuts on them if you're seeing them nude! lol. So I'm scared if he's going to bring it up ever, he didn't say anything then. Also, I'm nervous about being physical with him. I haven't had sex with him, I mean I've only been seeing him for like 3 weeks or something, but damn he's so good I hope I can resist him!!! I don't want to ever have sex again, but the little devil on my shoulder is egging me on! He must think I'm a weirdo, cause I'll start acting all weird sometimes, oh well whatever. He's in California right now actually. Which sucks cause I want some ACTION man! lol! I'm fine being totally celibate, but it's like smoking, once you have a taste you get addicted. I feel really like...I don't know the word, insecure? I dunno, I feel like an idiot cause I've emailed him twice already and it's only Monday(he left Thursday). I'm always like this with people, I don't want to be too friendly, I always gotta wait to see how friendly the other person is first, so that I don't over extend myself or something. So since I emailed him first both times, I feel like he's thinking I'm annoying, or that I like him too much. Because I'm the one who initiated the relationship to begin with, so I guess I feel like from now on any effort to be made should come on his part. I don't want to seem all needy and like I care more about him then he does to me. So ok, I won't email him for the rest of the week. I felt bad too, cause I didn't know what I should say, if I should say "I miss you", cause that would sound dumb, so the first one I didn't say anything like that or emotional stuff, so the second one, at the end I wrote that maybe when he gets back he can call me, and I said "and I'm not good with this type of stuff, so {insert sappy words here}" lol! I'm not going to reveal any other feelings towards him, unless he does first. Geez, I'm such a dumbass, I'm going to get fuckin kicked out of my honors class, those papers are so late :( He yelled at me last class. Ok, so I decided that I need to stop this eating lots of food business! Seriously, I've gained weight, I know it, when I lift my arm, I can no longer see all my ribs clearly, I mean I can still kinda see them but not as much. I don't know how much I weigh, I'm to scared to weigh myself! Today so far I haven't eaten anything, I've taken 2 Metabolife diet pills, and I jogged for a half an hour, so I'm doing pretty good, finally!! It's weird, cause I noticed that when I cut a lot, I don't really diet as much, and if I diet a lot I don't cut that much. It's like no matter what, I have to be self destructive in some way. So what I'm going to do, is to try to not cut, which is hard cause I've been cutting a whole lot the past few weeks, as well as compulsively pulling out my hair. So I'm trying to stop that, and if my theory is right then I should get much more into dieting. Well I haven't cut today, it's been hard though, I stole a pack of razers from the store, I don't know why considering I'm trying to stop. BUt I'll just put them away, I mean it's not like I'm going to be stopping completely, (already tried that, didn't work), but just try not to do it like every fuckin day! I really need to stop pulling out my hair too, I feel like such a nut, the sides of my scalp my hair is a lot thinner, from pulling it all out. But anyway, this whole week, I'm not going to eat unless it's infront of someone, I know I always say this and I never follow through, but this time I will! I need to be thin for when John gets back, if he sees what a fat blob I am he'll be grossed out. And it's about freakin time I got below 95lbs for once!! I need to just DO IT! Yuck, you know what's gross, yesterday I purged, like I guess more harshly then I usually do, and afterwards I looked in the mirror and I have little red spots on my eyelids and stuff. I guess they are broken blood vessels? Oh well, that's what I get for trying to puke peanut butter. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: