Date: 2001-03-13
Time: 02:17:06
My current mood is:
some more
Ok I know I just wrote that other entry, but I just wanted to add something else, and it was getting too damn long. I feel like such a bad person. I don't know why. I just feel like a fake, a bitch, like I only care about myself, vindictive, out to hurt people. I don't know why cause the thing is I don't act this way, I guess I'm just afraid that deep down inside I am that way. Like underneath the caring about people, and trying to be a decent person, there's a fucking bitch who is a backstabbing, mean person. I don't know, maybe I'm just being overly analytical. I always think I'm being a bitch, when I'm actually not. It's like I'm blaming myself for things I haven't done yet, but things that I *could* do, like just incase I really am like that. Does this even make sense? It's weird, cause like another thing, which I think is the same type of deal, is like whenever something happens to someone, like say someone is like "Where is my $10? I thought I left it around here somewhere...", I immediatly feel guilty, even though I didn't take it! I feel like I have to try and act not guilty, even though I'm NOT. Geez, I just feel guilty about stuff I don't even do, and the thing is I would never steal like that from someone, or any of the other things I feel "future guilt" for. Maybe I should bring this up next time I see my therapist. Oh ya! That reminds me, I'm now on a 3rd medication, lol. So far I got 2 anti-depressants, and now :::drum roll::: an anti-psychotic! Lol, it's not because I'm psychotic though, it's prescribed for other things too, like I am taking it to help stop the cutting and hair pulling. My psych. kept trying to make sure I knew that just because I'm on it doesn't mean I'm a psycho, hehe. Some people don't like being on medications, but you know I do like it :) It's almost like an adventure, like hmmm I wonder what this pill will do? Kinda like Alice in Wonderland, no matter what she ate or drank, she didn't know what kind of effect it would have. So I'm just curious to see what effect this psychotic pill will do, I wonder if all of a sudden I'll realize that before I was psychotic, and that now after taking it I'm sane. Like all of a sudden I'll become normal, lol! Eeek, I wouldn't want that. Damn, I think I'm going to end up cutting tonight.
Leave a message
Last Entry ~ Next Entry
|