Date: 2001-03-03
Time: 23:04:10
My current mood is:
bad mood
I'm in such a bad mood right now >:( God, you know I try to do good but I always just get yelled at. If I try to help, it's wrong, if I don't help, it's wrong. I can never do anything right! I mean I organized all the recipies we have, it took like 2 days to do it! So today my dad and sis are all flipping out at me for throwing out some of the recipies. GET OVER IT! God, I was only trying to help. That took a long time! I made up catigories, separated them all up, before they were all just messed up and everywhere. So of course I get no thanks at all, all that hard work and I just get yelled at. Fuck you! So I cut myself even more(already cut yesterday). I'm surprised John didn't notice the cuts, I guess I'm pretty good at hiding them. Ok my dad just came in the rooom and informed me that I'm "acting strangly today" and "a bit unfriendly"...fuck off asshole! Gee, I wonder why. He's so fucking retarded. Today I was remembering when I was young, I must have been like 6 years old, wishing that I could go for just one day not getting in trouble or yelled at. I tried so hard, I tried all day to be perfect. I tried to calculate every move, I'm going to be *good* today, the perfect child. It didn't last very long, I crawled up on the counter to get some cereal and then got yelled at for it. It made me sad, I couldn't even go one day without getting people pissed off at me. I never can. To this day, I still can't get through a day without getting yelled at, or making someone mad. i just lied in bed all day, cutting myself and pulling out my hair, listening to music, thinking how fucking annoying I am and how I should be dead. I'm no good, don't do anything right. Then I was looking at my cuts, thinking how I look like such a psycho, all these cuts all over me. If anyone saw all of them they would just be like holy shit. I'm all shakey now, cause I took 3 Metabolife, I need to lose weight damnit! I've been pigging out for a week straight, basicly cause I figured since I was sick I'll give myself a "holiday" from dieting. I looked in the mirror, I can see my face looks pudgier, maybe I'm just seeing things I don't know. My perception is weird, sometimes in one day I'll look in the mirror and I'll be like holy shit I gained weight! Then a few hours later I'll be like wait, I think I actually lost weight...it's so confusing. But anyway, you know i don't understand how other people can just get over things so quickly, I mean am I just weird? My sister and/or dad will yell at me and be pissy, then a half an hour later be all normal...and then they don't understand why I'm being moody. I'm sorry, but I just don't forget stuff like that so soon. Man, I can't believe I STILL have all those papers to do!! I hate this. I wish I could just slit my wrists and die, so I wouldn't have to deal with all this pressure. I have another paper for honors due tomorrow too, and I haven't even been to that class all week so I don't even know what it's on! I'm so behind. Well, I don't know. I guess I'm getting better at purging, it's not taking so long now, last night I got a lot up...what a gross thing to be writing about lol. I feel like I'm running out of ways to torture myself, now that I'm purging to, what else is left to do? I already self-injure like in everyway possible praticly. Whatever. Ok goodbye.
Leave a message
Last Entry ~ Next Entry
|