Date: 2001-01-14
Time: 07:08:27
My current mood is:
where is my mind
Tonight I got high for the first time in like, forever! Seriously, I haven't smoked in months. But anyway. I was going to go to this party tonight, but then the girl called and said everyone canceled on her. That must really suck. If I had a party and everyone cancelled, I'd feel awful! Oh well. Maybe next time. So I hung out with Julie, Dave and Katie. I forget if I wrote it last time or not, but I'm 95lbs now, cool :) So I have a week and a half to lose 2lbs....I think I'll just shoot for my goal weight of 90! Cause 2lbs is not a challenge at all, no fun. Although right now I've been pigging out(munchies). I can't help it, whenever I lose weight I reward myself with food, I know you're not supposed to do that, but oh well whatever. Tomorrow I'm going into Boston to hang out with Rhonna and Karen....geez, I'm nervous about seeing Karen, I don't know why. I guess just cause I haven't talked to her in a year, I kinda felt bad when she didn't call me or email me. But Rhonna I've talked to and seen. Geez, I know I said 90 is my goal, and that I won't go lower then that, but you know no one has been saying anything about my weight lately, like everyone finally forgot that I lost tons of weight. So I'm thinking what if I get to 90, and I don't look any thinner? I may have to go to 88. But that just sounds wrong....saying I weigh in the 80's. I feel like I want everyone to see how thin I am, almost to know what's going on, but I would DIE if they found out!!! Actually I wouldn't die, some people already know, I'm being a bit melodramatic. But I think it's odd, like I don't want anyone to comment or know...I just want them to have a vague suspiscion, like metephoricly sticking my tongue out at everyone. Whatever. Damn, I'm tired. Could it be? Will I actually fall asleep before 5am tonight? I certainly hope so, though it's 2am right now, so I should start going to sleep soon. God I'm nervous about school. I feel like I'm going to fail everything. I wish I could just get my act together, though if I said that to anyone they would think I'm weird, considering last semester I got all A's. But the thing is I constantly felt like I was just barely squeezing by. Up at 1am writing a paper that's due the next day, or even writing the paper the day it's due. I wish I could just focus and be organized, damn this ADD! I'm sick of the term ADD, it's such a buzz word. And apparently everyone in the world has it. Well sorry but lots of little kids are hyperactive and don't pay attention. People don't realize that it's a disorder when it interferes with your life, and school work. I always feel like I'm so lazy or stupid, but I have to remind myself not to be so harsh, that I do have a problem with focusing and paying attention. And of course bad memory too. I wish I didn't! I'd be able to transfer out of Curry, cause it would be way too easy, and on to a harder school. I mean right now I'm getting all A's, but I know I could do better if only my brain weren't like a scrambled egg. All mixed up. So often, I've felt so dumb cause I couldn't really do things well....then once in a while, my brain will all of a sudden work perfectly, and I can figure things out that are wicked hard. Like the time in high school, the teacher gave the whole class that word problem thing, where you had to figure this whole senario out. I finished it in 15 minutes, while it took everyone else the whole class to do, or not even finish it. And the teacher was so amazed, he said between him and his wife doing it together, they did it in a half an hour. But then there's things like my last job, there was certain things you had to do to turn on the water, like do things in order, and the whole time I worked there I could never remember how to do it! Will would show me again and again, everyone else could do it cause it was so easy, but for some reason when they told me how, the list got all messed up in my mind and I forgot what I had to do. My mind is wacked. Geez I'm like falling asleep, I'm going to go now. I hope I have time tomorrow to write about how it goes with going into Boston tomorrow!
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