Date: 2001-01-05
Time: 06:11:18
My current mood is:
fucking car
Well today I ended my fast :P That's ok, I didn't expect to keep it going for very long, I mean I do have to eat dinner with my dad usually. But I made dinner and I think it was pretty healthy, I mean in terms of being a real meal(I'd prefer to have just a salad buy hey, no can do). I made chicken, rice, a "carrot" salad(basicly veggies with no lettece, but lots of carrots), and grapes! Well anyway, after I "binged" and ate some fig newtons. Damn. I was in a good mood just now. Someone just brought up .... and that just really sucks. You know, people just bring up topics so lightheartedly, I mean it's not their fault, but they don't realize the seriousness of some issues. Like how people are constantly joking about people being anorexic or bulimic. I mean, it's not like they know I have problems with food, but it's like why don't you just shutup?? Well, saw my psych. today, and she suggested yet other form of therapy. You know, if I did all the things she said, I'd be spending like thousands of dollars! I mean, the ED day clinic, the nutritionalist, the going to the docter once a week...I can't afford any of that junk. Now she says she want me to go to group therapy, and have DBT therapy. That's behavioral therapy to help stop my cutting. But I got it confused when I looked it up on the computer, and thought it was electroshock therapy, lol, so I was freaking out! Then again, my uncle had electroshock therapy and he doesn't seem to be a zombie from it or anything. Well anyway, I think I'd be too shy for group therapy, but if I do decide to think about it, maybe I could tell my dad it's a group therapy thing for people who are grieving for the loss of loved ones. Awhile ago he asked me if I wanted to go to a grief therapy, cause my mom. So maybe if I can do it so the insurence won't say exactly what kind it is(I think it's just for people who cut). My dad just knows nothing about me. Seriously. He still asks me if I want hamburgers and steak for dinner...hello! I haven't eaten red meat in how many years?? I could understand if it was like, I stopped a few months ago, but I haven't eaten steak since....I don't even remember, I'm going to take a guess at 10 years, and hamburgers I've never eaten. That's just a small example of what I mean, like something that simple that you would know about someone you live with. He doesn't know about sex, drugs, alcohol, .... , that I cut, depression, that I've been suicidal since I was a little child(I threatened to kill myself at like the age of 5, that's just an estimate) So he knows nothing about me. If he knew who I was, like really knew everything about me I'm pretty sure he'd hate me. Yes, I wouldn't be sitting here typing if that were the case. I would either be crashing at a friend's house, or homeless, which would suck cause it's really freezing out! Man I'm so glad I found my wallet, I couldn't find it for a while. I totally wanted to buy some vodka and Captain Morgan, now I finally have my ID back. Hehe, if I tried to buy alcohol without my ID, they'd laugh at me, even when I go to buy cigerettes(another thing my dad doesn't knowk), they always eye me like I have a fake ID or something...sorry I look young! lol. I remember being like 19, and talking about my car and people would look at me strange and say "You have your license already?", hehe. And people think my sister's the older one, though I"m 21 and she's 16! I can't wait till my hair grows a bit more, so I can grow my damn bangs out, I'm so sick of them now. I want to re-dye my hair to what my natural hair looks like, light brown. I'll end up dying it black again though, I know it. Well, it's late so I better be off....I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, my goddamn shitbox of a car died again!!! That car breaks down so often it's really annoying. So anyway, that's all for now.
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