Date: 2001-01-02
Time: 23:21:13
My current mood is:
more and more
Uuuff...I don't know what to do. My dad keeps buying food. Over and over. I feel upsidedown. I have no control anymore. He just asked me what I want for dinner, then commented how there was a sale at Shaws and he bought 2 chickens. 2 chickens! Why oh why! This sounds very confusing, I know. I just can't have so much food in the house! I mean, I have to control the food. I organize it into sections, throw out the ones that are past the date, I clean out the fridge....I make sure the cans line up...and I make sure if there is too much of something, I either serve it to my family a lot, or throw some out, that way there is only some left. One or 2 of each food item, that is sufficient. NOT BJ's VERSIONS! Now there is tons and tons. I need to get well, so I can do the food shopping again. I don't even know how sick I am, I spend all day doing nothing lately, waking up at 2pm. Right now it's 6:30pm and I'm still in my pajamas. Is this cause I'm sick? Or am I depressed? How can I tell if I'm depressed or happy, they're both so much alike, I don't know. I've been desperatly wanting to cut myself, and images of bad things towards me like holding a gun to my head, stabbing myself, an electric screw driver through my hand. So I guess does this mean I'm depressed? Maybe. I don't think normal people think of these things. I'm going to end up cutting myself, I knoow it. The feelings are too strong, and everyday I fight against it. Cause I know once I do, it will be really really bad. Cause I owe myself a lot of cuts, there will be no mercy. Cause of last time, when I showed my therapist my cuts, but that time I had barely cut them deep at all, you could barely see them, and god I showed her. I was so embarrised. Now she must think I'm a joke. Just an idiot. Now I must get myself back for being so STUPID, god damn, why did you have to not cut much that time? Just punching, ya I made bruises but so what, I need to SEE the injuries. I need to feel the scars for days and weeks. I'm fat. God, everything will get better once I go on my diet as planned. I think I'm up to 100lbs right now, gross! I MUST be 93lbs by the 25th, I just have to be. There will be minimum eating! I must get that dizzyness back, that feeling like I'm going to pass out. If I get my old job back, I'm going to fast as long as possible! No food whatsoever! I'm suck a joke! I'm nothing! I suck at everything, even starving myself, I suck at that, even cutting myself, I suck at that too! I'm sure everyone else who cuts does it so much deeper then me, I know it. I'm such a wuse. I ate so much today. So far I had 3 Yodles, some Fignewtons(maybe even 10?), 3 or 4 chicken fingers and maybe a cup or 2/3 a cup of shrimp lowmein!!! Now it's time for dinner....oh the horror. I'm having pasta, but with my cool garlic powder stuff that is wicked low cal. Ok, enough of my insaneness for now.
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