Date: 2000-11-22
Time: 03:31:21
My current mood is:
fat
How am I supposed to do this. To continue to eat "normal". I eat dinner with my family, looking at my sister's plate she's barely eating anything. I'm such a pig I have so much more on my plate. I have to have the same amount as her, cause she's not a pig like me, I should try to eat more like her. But when I eat small meals, I like to eat small small meals, and I get threatened to be put in the hospital by my psychiatrist. NOT FAIR. Why are others allowed to do things and I can't? Why can she eat small and not me? Why can others be thin and I'm not allowed to? I've gained so much weight, I'm nothing. I think I must weigh more then 100lbs now, maybe 103. What if I'm 105? All my work, slipping away. It'd be so easy if everyone would just leave me alone and let me lose weight. I could lose it all in no time, i know it. OK, so if I am 8lbs abouve my goal, then that should take 2 weeks to lose, no problem, I know I could do it. At least no one is bothering me now. Cause now I'm fatter. I want to start exercising, just to make sure i don't gain anymore, but when I think about it, I don't think I can just do that. If I do a half an our a day, the recommended exercise. I'll have to do more, and I'll have to eat less. An hour would be better. An hour of exercise, and maybe eat more lightly. Should I do that? Fall back into it? But right now I am "safe", no one is commenting on my weightloss anymore, so I should stay at this weight, maybe lose more in the future, but not now, they must forget that I ever lost weight. Like it was just a dream. I'm going to be fat again. I hate this, I don't want to be 125lbs again it was too much. I remember looking in the mirror, when I was first starving myself, I was at a social function and wearing a dress, standing in line for the bathroom I looked in the mirror and realized...I'm a fat girl. Really. I'm one of those girls you see and you think "that girl's chubby, she's fat, I'm glad I am thinner". I was a "big girl". I felt so horrible, seeing how horrible I was...I mean not that I didn't know it before, but I don't know, just to see myself in line with these women, realizeing I'm one of those girls who people think to themselves that they shouldn't be wearing a dress, they are too chubby too. And then recently, at 95lbs looking in the mirror, while wearing a dress, thinking...I haven't changed. I've lost 30lbs...I'm 15lbs underweight....and I'm still chubby like I was in the mirror that time. Why. So not fair...why are other people normal weight and not fat, but I am underweight and I look overweight? NOT FAIR.
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