Date: 2000-11-21
Time: 00:57:46
My current mood is:
being me :P
Well another day. Each day more boring and pointless then the next. I met this guy the party I went to on Sat., I hung with him most of the night, I don't even remember what the hell I was saying to him! Hopefully I didn't make to much of an idiot of myself. He gave me his number and email, I guess tomorrow I will email him. Cause I'm too chicken to call. I'm glad I got really trashed at the party, I drank my first beer as fast as possible, so I would be able to interact better. I hate feeling the way I do. I just can't socialize right. When it's someone I don't know, I almost choke on my words, can barely get them out. As long as I have at least one beer though, then it helps. I wonder if I have avoident personality disorder, or social anxiety disorder. I'm not really sure of the difference. That makes me feel kinda bad, like if I knew I had a personality disorder...just to think of the words, what they mean...you're DISORDERED, not even a mental illness type thing. A personality disorder means it's not just "sickness" in your head, like depression, it's YOU the way you are, your personality, there is nothing wrong with my mind, it's ME that is wrong. I won't even bother bringing it up to my therapist, cause she'll just say that people who are studying psychology always see themselves in the illnesses they read about. But when I was reading about it today, it seemed to describe me. Especially the part that struck me, was that I read how the person is so overly sensitive, that everything about people is magnified to them. Sometimes I can just look at a person and know exactly what they are going to say, before they even say it. Or someone will look at me a certain way, or ignore something I said, something that the person doesn't even realize they've done, and I feel so horrible, like the person hates me and I'm a loser, and I get depressed for hours. All from something that the person didn't even know they did! It could even just be tone of voice. I feel like I need a filter, to block out all the input I get, so I don't read into every little detail of everything. But then again, in a way it helps, cause I can see what a person is thinking, or pick up on things that someone says, that say someone else might not. But it's hard to live. It's hard to be afraid of everyone, and to try to make it look like you're not. To think that things will never be "normal" for me, like for everyone else. Then again, I don't really know what normal is. But I don't think normal is thinking that you cannot go on living inside of yourself.
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