Date: Dec. 20, 2004 Time: 12:46 AM My current mood is: What's up And once again, an actual update! Right now I'm just chillin, watching Ace Ventura 2, eating, hangin on the computer. I need to chill with the eating though! I'm going to end up gaining back the weight I lost :( I have cut down on purging though, now that I can't purge here I basiclly kinda gave up on that, not all gung-ho recovery, more like kinda recovery by default? Although maybe I shouldn't use that word, since yesterday I purged. I went to my house, and while I was there did it twice in a row. While home I was reminded why I had wanted to move out!! My dad told me to go pick up my sister from work, so I did and of course in the car she got pissed at me and was all hostile. And of course after we got back, she asked if she could borrow my car. As if she hadn't just bitched at me. Of course being wussy me, I just said yes and let her. I know, I should have stuck up for myself, I should have said no. But it's so much easier to just say yes and let her go, then to try to stand up for myself and get yelled at even more. I need to work on that. I need to let her know that it's NOT ok for her to just act like a bitch to me. But how? Anytime I try to tell her, she just acts like she has no idea what I'm talking about (apparently she's just talking calmly and I'M the one that's paranoid and too sensetive), or she just says that she's mad cause I'm the one at fault, blah blah blah. It's a no win situation with her, cause she refuses to ever admit she's wrong or that she's ever being more hostile then she needs to be. I had a therapy appointment the otherday, the first one in months. She said she thinks I have an anxiety disorder. My first thoughts were "hey, how can you just decide that from one session??", my second thought was "Oh wait, I've been seeing her for years, maybe she would know", hehe. I dunno. I think I was skeptical cause at first she was like "Maybe you have an anxiety disorder", to later on saying something like "how do you deal with your anxiety disorder" or something like that, like I had been diagnosed in one session. But like I said, I've been seeing her for several years so maybe I'm just trying to be in denial. Perhaps self injuring/purging/starving in order to deal with stress means there's a problem. Either way, I'm not on meds, so I don't know how else I'm supposed to deal with things. Things that people do to calm down usually make me MORE stressed, like baths/meditation/art. Sooo apartment life. It's pretty chill. Well sorta. I'm always feeling anxious that Katie is going to get mad at me, and want me to leave. I always feel guilty that I'm not being clean enough, that she's going to get pissed. I'm afraid to mention the purging or self injury, cause I'm afraid she'll want to kick me out. When I mentioned these things to my therapist, she asked if Katie's gotten pissed over things like that in the past...and of course the answer is no but still. Ha! I love Ace Ventura. Hey speaking of animals, Katie and I were discussing the possibility of getting a mammal-type pet. She loves cats, I love dogs. She likes cutesy fluffy little dogs, I hate them. Hmmm. Jon and my sister are allergic to cats. Katie and I both agree we like Siamese cats though. Damnit why does Jon have to be allergic. Maybe I'll dump him and get a cat ;) No seriously though, what if I get one and then just never invite him over again. Would I be a bad girlfriend? Haha. Sorry, I'm just kinda annoyed by him lately. I don't really want to talk to him or hang out with him. But thursday he and I are going to his parents for a few days for Christmas. Blah. The thing I hate the most is that he can totally read my mind all the time, like right now I'm sure he KNOWS I'm irritated by him, so I feel bad about that. I hope I become happy with him again soon so we have a nice trip. Edit: Even reading over this entry I feel like anxious that I didn't type it good enough, that people must think I'm so stupid when they read this :( Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: