Date: Sept. 25, 2004 Time: 7:38 PM My current mood is: An appley day, but a bad night. Today Julie, Katie and I went apple picking. Katie and I go every year, for some reason Julie never came with us, so this year we told her she had to come. It was fun, and as usual the place was a tad bizarre, something weird always happens. This guy that worked there BARKED at us! And he barked at some little kids too! What a psycho. He didn't even say just kidding or smile, he just barked, that was it. I came home and saw my sister's boyfriend, he was like "I thought we were going apple picking tomorrow? That's what your sister said", and I was like oh shit. I forgot that my sister said she was coming too. So he told her, and she yelled at me. I apologized and told her I didn't remember that she was still coming, but she still was wicked pissed. I kept saying we can still go tomorrow and get more, but she said "What's the point!!" and stormed off. She was so frustrated at my stupidity. I felt bad and then of course the depressing self defeating thoughts came, urges of wanting to cut myself flowing through my mind. Cut cut cause you're stupid stupid. I haven't, but I feel really crappy. Why does she have to be so angry about it? I apologized, I didn't know. Why is she always so angry, all the time? I started thinking of the song Brain Damaged by Eminem, and how last year my advisor asked me if I was dropped on my head as a child, and said I seemed brain damaged. And no, she wasn't kidding, and she wasn't trying to be mean, she was serious. I thought of when my parents told me they used to think I was Autistic as a child. Guess I'm just fucking retarded eh? Growing up I always felt stupid. I always felt my IQ tests just had to be completley false. Cause I could tell I was fucking stupid. Brain Damaged. I think that's what my problem is. Anyway, we're all going out tonight to a bar. I'm not really in the mood as you can see, but I'm good at faking happiness. Oh and last night Jon and I got into a fight. I'm so mad at him. First off, he was like "You have so many mental problems, but I can relate to you more then anyone". Gee, GREAT FUCKING COMPLIMENT!! I was like er..ok. Then starts bitching that we never have sex. AGAIN. You know what, I'm fucking SICK of him talking about it!! I told him to go find a ho to have sex with him, but he said he wants me to be his ho. It pisses me off cause it's like, what a turn on, bitching about not having sex is really going to make me want to have sex more. I just hate it, it makes me feel bad about myself and guilty. You know what, fuck him, he can go out with someone ELSE! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: