Date: Feb. 14, 2004 Time: 1:15 AM My current mood is: Disappearing act Hmmm well apparently I have a little stalker, how cute. I haven't seen my therapist in a couple months. My last appointment I just didn't show, and never bothered to call. My disappearing act, I do it sometimes. It's easy, when you don't want to you just don't show up when you're supposed to, or you just don't call someone, or you make plans and repeatedly ditch them each time. Just something I do. I was wondering if I do it all for the same reason, but I think it's all for different ones. Like when I'm mad I do it, just disappear from the person, reject them without saying a word. Or maybe to keep someone on their toes, not too close. Why have I ditched my therapist? I just don't have anything to say. The thought of seeing her, there's nothing I want to talk about. Which usually means there's plenty I need to say. I tend to go to her the most when nothing's going on, and the least when I'm feeling the worst. Why? Because...it's easier to talk about things calmly, cooley, and in retrospect. It's much more difficult to say "hey this is how I'm feeling about what's going on NOW". Too exposing. Not enough distance. I don't want to have to sit down in that chair and say "I don't want to talk about it" as she throws each subject at me. I don't want her to ask me about my eating and me explain now, I want to come in already thin, and talk about my path there, nonchalantly. I don't want to talk about how I feel about my grandfather's death. I don't want to talk about anything really. There's nothing to say. Tonight I went over Hilary's. For some reason my long lasting anomosity towards her has suddenly vanished. Weird, to suddenly enjoy hanging out with her again and not feel on the defensive. No idea why though. I kind of surprised myself, I was being more loud/talkative then I have in awhile. Oh! And Jon said he noticed I was losing weight and getting more fit!! Which is odd since I haven't actually lost a pound. I thought I was maybe losing fat and gaining muscle, but figured it was just wishfull thinking. But he said my stomach is looking great and my hips are thinner, and even commented(sadly) that my butt didn't fill out my pants anymore. Ha! Of course then he was like "But don't lose anymore weight!" a few times. Screw that! Of course I am! Does he really think I'm going to just get toned and that's it? Please. As if. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: