Date: Nov. 15, 2003 Time: 4:20 PM My current mood is: Eww I'm fat. Careful selection of clothing that will hide my fatness. Nothing that will cling to my skin, or show that I'm wearing mainly my "fat" jeans now. I tried on a pair of pants the other day (not my fat ones) and they just didn't fit at all :( My theighs were too big as well as the waist. I kept bending and stuff, hoping that they would stretch but no go. Sigh. You know, you'd think for someone as weight concious as I, that I'd be at the gym 24-7. But nope, I barely ever go, I'm so lazy. I sit here and bitch about my weight, yet don't do anything to fix it. I want to be toned and fit, all lean muscles and not an inch of fat...but do I actually do anything to achieve this? No. I just sit here and eat potato chips. I mean, I'm not eating them right now, but for lunch I did. PIG! I just had an apple and a half glass of chocolate soy milk, part of me wants to just consider that dinner, since I so obviously do not need a whole meal, as I'll probably be able to live off my fat anyway. Oh well, I guess one good thing is that my fat jeans aren't totally snug, there's still ample room, which at least says I'm not as fat as I could be. Part of me just wants to go back to losing weight again. But then there's the other part...the fact that my digestive system is messed up from the years of purging/starving, and if I went back to that I wouldn't be helping it at all. Also if I allow myself to relapse, I have only a year and a half left of school then I'm out in the working world...the mentel health working world. Meaning, I want to be 100% better when I'm working with mentally ill people, I don't want to be mentally ill myself! How helpful would that be? Me telling some anorexic girl to eat her meal, yet I weigh the same as her? So I dunno, as much as starving myself seems attractive, it's almost like there's just no room for it in my future life. But...but....I'M FAT!!!!! Blech! Even saying that makes me cringe cause it sound so cliche and lame. But I just feel so embarrised for myself, how can I *allow* my body to look like this? Whatever, I'll eat dinner cause I'm hungry. Stupid appetite. Yesterday I got my flu shot...my arm kills! She was happy that my IBS has gotten better since last time, I told her I've been following the Eating For IBS website and it's helped. I still need to take Prilosec for my stomach acid though. She gave me a lecture on that, saying that if I'm still purging a couple times a week, that's just going to keep making me need the Prilosec, and that I need to stop so that my digestive tract can heal. I felt bad, cause I'm always like yeah, I'm in recovery...but I still purge a few times a week, and it's been that way for awhile. I guess she expects me to move behond that at some point. Which she's right, I feel kind of stagnant, like I'm able to eat normal now, and only puke 2-3 times a week...but nothing more. So I need to stop purging. Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: