Date: Oct. 19, 2003 Time: 1:42 AM My current mood is: Getting married? Ha! Yeah right. And get these damn candybars away! I haven't really felt like updating lately. Not really sure why, guess I just didn't really have anything to say? Or maybe I did and just didn't want to acknowledge it. I was depressed tonight. Julie had invited me to come over, and Katie was going over too. Hours went by as I waited for her to call and tell me when to come over...I started feeling really depressed and rejected, I didn't want to call her cause I figured she just didn't want me to come over anymore and didn't like me. I ate candybars and talked myself out of purging. Finally I called and she said "Oh Katie's here already, want to dcome over?", I felt like I was an after thought. But realisticly, this is not a big deal, I just always blow things out of proportion, I need to stop overanalyzing things. After I went over I felt better. What else...I sent Jon an email today with the lyrics to I Miss You by Incubus, I kept listening to it over and over and thought of him. I mean, I have no reason to miss him since I just saw him yesterday but still *stares dreamily*. Yesterday he brought up the word "love" again, asking if I loved him would I ever tell or would I not. I just said I don't know and told him to be quiet :P I admit, I'm so scared of those words, it just seems like...I don't know...like getting married or something! As if it's this huge step that once you take, you can never go back. And I'm afraid that once I say it, we'll break up and then it would have all been for nothing. By not saying it at least there's...I don't know, something to fall back on so I don't get hurt. I've exchanged "I love you"'s with guys before and where did it get me? I can tell Jon loves me, but that he's too afraid to tell me cause he thinks I won't say it back. I'm afraid of that too...that I won't say it back. Not because I wouldn't feel it, but because I'm just too scared. And speaking of which, I'm SO tired of people asking when Jon and I getting married!! ENOUGH ALREADY! Why even ask that? I don't understand what's up with that, it only makes us both feel uncomfortable and really annoyed. Neither one of us wants to get married anytime soon. Just cause I'm 24 doesn't mean it's time for me to "settle down" or whatever. If I want to get married at 40 I will. Whatever. I will just kill someone when I start getting the "when are you having kids" question, but I figure I have another 5 years before that starts getting asked. As far as eating goes, for a couple weeks I was purging once or twice a day, not good. But now I'm not, haven't in a few days :) Eating fairly normal, except I keep eating candy bars!!! Grrrr! The reason is my dad bought Halloween candy, and I'm having a really hard time keeping away from it. Especially pisses me off cause they contain dairy, and I don't eat dairy. I bought a vegan candybar as backup emergency candy, so that if I had a craving I would just eat that, except now I eat both! Whatever. I need to stop doing that and eat healthy, and stick to not eating dairy(I have no problem not eating meat). Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: