Date: Feb. 12, 2003 Time: 6:53 PM My current mood is: Just some stuff AAAAahhhhhh my dad won't leave me ALONE! It's making me just want to purge what I just ate, just to relieve the stress! I wish he would just not talk to me EVER. I want to puke so bad now. I admit, the other day I puked. And I wasn't drunk. Not really sure why I did, I just..did it. I just want to fall head first back into my ED, fall into the loving arms of obsession. To be able to just give in to my minds compulsions, instead of constantly fighting them day after day, minute after minute. I'm trying to eat more healthy, or maybe kind of go on a diet. Is it possible for me to *just* go on a diet though? I need to lose 5lbs. I hate my hunger. I no longer can eat piles and piles of food and puke it, I have to find some type of normalcy, the concept of which is almost impossible to grasp. To me it's either: give in and eat till you're sick then puke, or completely survive on hunger and the high of starvation. Yes I've been eating for months now, but I still am not sure of that inbetween. Or maybe I do know, but I'm just not satisfied with it. Too much food to still be hungry, not enough to be full. I feel kinda bad, Jim called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to hang out on friday. I told him no, I'm going to the Cape. He asked with who, I said my boyfriend. He didn't know I had a boyfriend....then I realized friday is Valentine's Day, he wanted to hang out with me on V-Day!! What the fuck? I mean I knew he was acting kinda into me lately, but geez....oh well guess I ruined his V-Day plans. I'm so psyched, Jon and I are going to the Cape! Weeee! Today was my last day of work till I go back on Tuesday, that totally kicks ass hardcore. Speaking of Jon though, he called me at work today just to tell me I'm beautiful *blush* he's so romantic ;) Ok remember that skin hives thing on my stomach? Well that went away and now I have hives on my elbows!!! I'm so mad. I think it's Eczema, I'm pretty sure. The more I scratch it the worse it gets, and both my stomach and elbows aside from the hives got all dry too. This sucks. I gotta make an appointment with a dermatologist when I get back from my vacation. I may or may not update tomorrow, if not see ya'll Monday! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: