Date: Nov. 10, 2002 Time: 1:40 AM My current mood is: Drug induced recovery- what the fuck have I been doing??? Last night I tripped on mushrooms with Katie. I'm not going to trip again, I'm pretty sure that's my last time. Throughout the trip I wished I hadn't done it, it just kinda annoyed me and I dunno, I felt kinda too old for that. It was fun in highschool/first time around in college, but now at 23 I just feel kinda behond that. I'm not really into drugs anymore, it's not like I really do them much anyway, I can't even remember the last time I smoked pot it's been so long. But anyway, while tripping I realized it was a BAD idea to be tripping at that point, I realized it's definitly not a good thing to do when you're at a low point in your life. I had thought it would make me feel really happy like it used to, but even still I felt just blah and depressed. Just wanted to not be tripping and just go to sleep. It made me realize some things though. I suddenly became aware of my health, I realized in horror what I'm doing to myself. Infact I was horrified at my entire life right now, and how much of a fucking mess it is. It's weird, cause being all fucked up on drugs made me think more sanely then I have in a long time. I realized how NOT normal and unhealthy it is that I have no energy, that I basicly lie in bed most of the day because I just don't have the energy to do much else. I mean I throw up pretty much everything I eat. The fact that I feel like a goddamn 80 year old and I'm only 23 is majorly fucked up!! I can't live like this anymore. I'm praticly dead, I feel like a walking zombie all the time. Sadly, I can't even say "most" of the time, because it really is ALL of the time. I'm just a shell of my former self, my life is nothing. While tripping I remembered that I used to be alive, vibrant, and I had a life. Sure I've always had depression, but god even being depressed I was more alive then this. Right now my life is absolutly null and void, I do hang out with friends occasionally but like I said, I'm like the walking dead, I don't really enjoy it and I'm not who I used to be, just an empty shell of my former self. This is rediculous. I cannot live like this anymore. I can't feel 80 years old. Always having to sit down cause I'm so weak, having to take naps all the time, too tired to do anything but just sit around comatose. Anyway, so during the trip as me and Katie talked I realized that we're both at pretty low points in our lives right now. That really sucks. She said she started starving herself again, I really wish she wouldn't. It sucks cause for a long time she was fine, but I guess with so many pressures lately she just couldn't help it. I kept scratching the carpet, it kept changing patterns and I just HAD to feel it scrunching in my fingers. Oh man, we watched the screen saver on my computer for awhile, it was so trippy, the rest of the computer changed colors along with the screen saver, hehe. We drank tons of water and kept using my chapstick over and over. We talked in detail about things I had totally forgotten that I knew, it was really weird! Like I talked in detail about this guy I went out with in high school, things of which I hadn't even thought about in forever. It was so bizarre, like suddenly our memories were wicked awesome and we remembered so many details. At one point I got a little freaked out cause my sister came into my room and started talking to us, she's a very non-melo person, her highstrungness made me uncomfortable, she started bitching saying "I hate my life right now" and saying how the house smells. It just kinda freaked me out. The trip got better towards the end though, we listened to They Might Be Giants and early 90's rap, that's just the funniest stuff to listen to tripping, or even normal too, lol. So there we go, I've figured out that I can't live my life like this anymore, and I need to get my act together. Today I didn't puke, I almost did but then I thought "no, this is fucking stupid, I'm keeping this down" and did. I feel like I'm going to puke now though from eating, ufffffff. Too bad, my stomach's going to have to learn to eat food. No more of this stupid bullshit that's sucking the life out of me! I want to LIVE LIFE, not just stay barely alive! FUCK THIS SHIT! Leave a message Last Entry ~ Next Entry Enter email to occasionally get special or pointless updates: